‘Twas the Friday Night in the Big Town before Christmas when all through the state frantic shoppers were scurrying because they started shopping too late. They had to buy presents and spend family time, and nearly all of them had spent their money down to their last dime. So, dear reader, pour yourself some eggnog and settle in all cozy to read this merry blog. Pay attention, dear readers, and make not a sound for I am about to share with you your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Try not kill your family
This is an activity that, make no mistake, is just as important as any cookies you bake. Smile real big and take what they give because they’re your family so you have to let them live. Who cares if your aunt is a falling-down-drunk? It’s not like her body will fit in your sports car’s trunk. Though your mother truly hates her and she makes fun of you by saying “when you gonna get a real job, and use that degree of yours too?”, remember to stay in the spirit of holiday cheer because you only have to tolerate that heinous bitch one day a year.
And please don’t forget that cousin of yours who did some hard time, he’ll be there too, wanting to share with you his next crime. You see, he knows this guy who can get a great deal, so if you spot him 5 g’s, you’ll soon make a profit for real. Though he has no job and can just barely read, he thinks he’s helping you out with this tip, what a right noble deed! The key is to put the drunk aunt and delinquent side by side at the table because she makes poor decisions, she’ll give him the cash as soon as she’s able. And thus, my dear readers, you’ve killed two birds with one stone. Just make sure you’re never in the same room with either of them alone!
Play it cool when you run into people you used to know
The worst part of the holiday, if you ask me, dear readers, is going back to your hometown to hang out with all those bottom feeders. You’ll head out to church, for the third time that year, and you’ll absorb all the fire and brimstone you care to hear. Afterward you’ll see the kids with whom you went to high school. They’re still all the same, every one of them a total tool. When your mom sends you to the grocery store for some bread, you’ll get stuck in a “how’ve you been” conversation and you’ll wish you were dead.
And even though you still live in the same state, you feel like you’ve gotten out and the person you’ve become is so great. At least you aren’t like those schmoes that are stuck hanging out at the Wolf Trap in Edmond—what rotten luck! You only have to see those kids once a year, so accept your fate and shotgun a beer! What better way to show off how cool you are than by playing pool on Christmas Eve with an ex-high school football star. They’ll be so sad they ever made fun, because with your sweet wardrobe and job, they’ll think you’re number one!
Enjoy your terrible gifts
Sometimes smiling can be such a chore, especially when all the gifts you’ve been given are such a bore. Thanks, Grandma, for this sweater, size triple XL. I know you think I’ve gotten fat, but seriously, what the hell? Going from a medium to a large isn’t that big a deal. But thanks for this new sense of body consciousness I feel! Who cares if I develop an eating disorder at the fault of this evil cat lady who is also a hoarder? Whatever Grams, I seriously give up. I’m getting another glass of eggnog—AND YES, I KNOW IT’S MY THIRD CUP!
Oh, time spent with family, how jolly, how merry! I think I’ll open another gift. My, this is so very… Why Uncle Dave, is this a gift card to Walgreen’s? What a terrible gift, but I guess you know what this means. At least now I can buy some Plan B, because that ex-high school football star really liked me.
That’s all I have for you, dear readers, and we wish you the best. May your day be not stressful, in spite of holiday guests. Please be safe, and don’t drink and drive, because holidays are best when everyone manages to stay alive.
“Friday Night in the Big Town” is presented by Lucky Star Casino. Visit LuckyStarCasino.org to check out a full calendar of their events and concerts.