Spence Sez: New Resolve

Hey friends, Patrick lied yesterday. My list of New Year resolutions are still not ready, so you’ll have to wait until next week to get that. Until then, I’ll be doing what I do best, which is fantasize about OSU cheerleaders. I’ll also be answering some life advice questions.

Yeah, did you see the story about the Oklahoma State cheerleaders going skiing in bikini tops? Well, I did! Did I also mention that after I win the lottery I’m buying a ski lodge? Because I am. Also a lake house. So cheerleaders from any school can come hang out. I can’t wait! Now, let’s get to the questions. If you read them all, I’ll randomly treat you to more pictures of OSU cheerleaders in bikini tops.

How can we destroy the beauty industry’s dangerous myth that pubic hair is evil? –@RobDelaney

Rob Delaney is perhaps the awesomest person on the planet. Follow him on Twitter now, it’s hilarious. If you haven’t heard of him, don’t worry, he will be a household name in the near future.

Now, it’s not going to be easy. Beauty companies are like Big Tobacco, and it’s going to take all of us to bring them down. First, I think we, as a society, need to see some examples of how a woman can leave their patch “natural” and not be associated with Patchouli oil and vagrants. I’m thinking leaked pictures of Anne Hathaway, Natalie Portman and perhaps Oprah (women will do anything Oprah does, for she is the Alpha).

Second, we need to teach young women the dangers of shaving: ingrown hairs, razor burn, diabetes. What’s that? Shaving your pubes doesn’t cause diabetes? Well, there is not ONE scientific study that proves it doesn’t. Third, if your woman doesn’t have a majestic thatch, withhold sex, she’ll figure it out.

Why are your keys always in the opposite pocket of your freehand, when you’re carrying a body?@ElNuggito

Hey everyone, it’s my friend Nugget from the Joey and Heather Morning show! Joey and Heather are awesome. Their show is funny and Nugget is a great comedic mind. Now, to answer your question: That’s a Hollywood myth. Who uses the “fireman” carry to move a dead body? You drag them. Or roll them up in a rug. You are talking about dead bodies, right? I guess if you are trying to save a life then it would be annoying to have to fish your keys out. My recommendation is to let the professionals save lives. You and me…let’s stick to dragging.

How many days can I go without pooping before I die? –@JeramyWestbrook

When I was cranky as a kid, my mom would ask if I needed to sit on the toilet. She was usually correct. A good BM can make all the difference, just ask Gandhi. Here is the breakdown: 2 days without pooping, you’ll be cranky. 7 days without pooping and your breath will start smelling different. 8 days without pooping and your intestines will burst and you’ll die of fecal poisoning. That is assuming you are still eating a 2000 calorie diet. So, sit on the toilet.

Dear Spence, do you believe in global warming, or is this sexual tension just making everything sssssteamy?@PleaseStopGreg

It could be the globe getting warmer making everything steamy, or it could be roofies I put in your drink. Either way, our worlds are definitely hot and heavy! Another question, do you shave your thatch?

Can beanie babies make a comeback?@Groughface

I sure as shit hope so! My eBay store needs some traffic.

I’m neither Catholic or a former NCAA ball boy. Was I molested as a child?@Brooks_Ryan

Wanna know how Penn State separates the men from the boys? With a crowbar. ZING. You probably weren’t molested as a child, which is a shame for pedophiles, because I’m sure you are a very handsome man…or boy.

What’s the best way to deflect my family’s constant  questioning of when I’ll get married. I’m 25 and i keep getting the old maid vibes from my extended family at Holidays. – Erika via Electronic Mail

Erika, it’ll be OK. My mom thought I was gay because I was so terrible with girls. But look at me now, I’m planning on buying a ski lodge and a lake house! Now, you are a very funny person, Erika, so I have faith that you can deflect the nagging with jokes. Say something like, “Why buy the pig when I can get the sausage for free?” Or, “Why buy the cow when I already know how to milk a prostate?” Regardless, come up with a funny quip that involves farm animals and innuendo. It does the trick every time!

That’s it for this week. Follow me on Twitter: @SpencerLenox, and I will gladly answer your questions in a future post!