Spence Sez: The State of the State

Friends, did you watch the State of the State yesterday? Apparently Oklahoma is going to get rid of the personal income tax! Which is awesome, because that means our property taxes and sales taxes are going to go up. At least it will go up if we are going to pay for a new capitol building… and bridges… and state troopers… and job websites… and CNG filling stations… and new drug programs… and liposuction for all of Oklahoma’s fat citizens. So now you get to spend more of your hard-earned money on the same things you buy now, like food and shelter. But hey, we gotta be just like Texas, right?

Dear Spence, do you think Mary Fallin can read or is her teleprompter covered in pictures, like a McDonald’s menu?@pleasestopgreg

Mary Fallin doesn’t use a teleprompter because she once made fun of a black dude for relying on a teleprompter. That “black dude” is our Muslim, Kenyan President. Instead, she uses a binder filled with the rejected liner notes from her daughter’s band, Milk On Milk’s, first album. Milk On Milk (or MoM) is surprisingly supportive of fixing the capitol (probably to use for a photo shoot)! Unfortunately, her daughter has terrible handwriting, which is why our governor stumbled over seemingly simple statements during the State of the State.

Spence, I’m 23 and never been kissed (unless you count that 1 time with my stepcousin, Brett). Is there any hope for me? Help! –@Taylor_e_Byrd

I find it hard believe that a cutie like you has never been kissed. Plus, you save lives! How sexy is that!?! But not to worry, I was a late bloomer as well. Looking back, I found that you can’t expect a kiss to be as magical as Disney films or other fairytale type stories make it seem. Kissing should be fun and without the pressure of “living happily ever after.” My advice, flirt recklessly and make-out with someone you find attractive. Don’t be afraid to get alcohol involved. Also, Brett is a pretty good kisser. You could have done worse.

Was Madonna’s attempt to stay relevant more or less disappointing than the weak crop of Superbowl commercials?@Lathee1190

That’s tough. Watching the half-time show made me feel like Madonna was trying too hard to prove she was in shape. We get it, you do Yoga AND you’re 60! But if Madonna really wanted to impress me, she would have shotgunned 12 packs of Activia and then taken a healthy dump on Nicki Minaj. BOOM, you got yourself a half time show AND commercial.

What Super Bowl commercial did you hate the most?@hot_spunk

Without a doubt, the GoDaddy commercials really pissed me off. I remember the first time I saw one, and was intrigued. They said, “Warning: Online Content is NOT rated!” So I thought: Awesome! A new porn site for me browse. But you wanna know what? Even the online content is just a couple of 7’s not showing the goods. So now when I see GoDaddy commercials, I feel cheated. Fool me once, assholes.

Have you heard about that woman who eats 4 rolls of toilet paper every day?@caseyflip

Actually, I think I remember seeing something about that on one of those “True Stories of the ER” shows. Here is a question I have for that young lady: If you eat toilet paper, do you have to wipe after you crap it out?

Why am I still single?!!!! And so close to Valentine’s day…should I buy myself a present?@xCawoodstock

Our very own Chelsea! Thanks for the questions. I’m not sure why you’re single. You’re cute and funny. What was the story with that hot piece of man-meat you brought to the TLO Halloween party? But I digress, here’s what you do: Buy yourself a 12-pack of Activia, and take a healthy dump on your ex’s porch. For a quick getaway, just eat some toilet paper so you won’t have to wipe afterward, and then get drunk and make-out with some randoms! Some might call my plan “reckless,” but I call it a Tuesday night after Team Trivia at the Speakeasy.

Have a great day. If you have any questions or comments, sent them here.