The one where an Oklahoma lawmaker tries to ban “depositing semen” in places that are not a woman’s vagina

Yesterday, our state lawmakers introduced SB 1433 to the Senate Floor. The bill, now known as the Personhood Act, is part of the right-wing movement to give rights to fertilized human embryos, including the ones that still haven’t lost their gills or tails.

Here’s the bill:

The Oklahoma Legislature finds that:

1. The life of each human being begins at conception;

2. Unborn children have protectable interests in life, health, and well-being; and

3. The natural parents of unborn children have protectable interests in the life, health, and well-being of their unborn child.

C. The laws of this state shall be interpreted and construed to acknowledge on behalf of the unborn child at every stage of development all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.

D. As used in this section, “unborn child” or “unborn children” shall include all unborn children or the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception until birth at every stage of biological development.

E. Nothing in this section shall be interpreted as creating a cause of action against a woman for indirectly harming her unborn child by failing to properly care for herself or by failing to follow any particular program of prenatal care.

According to the Ogle Mole network, the Senate was discussing the bill or something (I don’t know. I got a C in Political Science.) when Senator Constance Johnson filed an amendment to add the following wording. It’s something that would make any Beavis and Butthead or Rick and Brad fan laugh and cry.

Yep, that’s small. Here’s the text in case you had trouble reading it:

“However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

I guess we should mention that Senator Johnson wasn’t being serious. She filed the amendment in jest and even voted to table it later in the day. Apparently she just wanted to point out the absurdity of the Personhood movement and its sexist undertones. That’s good, too, because I firmly believe that sex should always begin and end in a girl’s mouth. The amendment would have totally ruined that.

Anyway, this legislative session is going to be so awesome. We’re not even a week into it and we’re getting good material. You know Sally Kern is watching all this from her tower in Isengard and just smiling. Who knows what goodies she has for us later this year.