1. Score a free meal. Note: this activity should only be attempted by true thespians. To pull this shenanigan off, it’ll take a lot of restraint, a touch of desperation, and at least half of the symptoms present in people suffering from histrionic disorder.
Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant offering a special Valentine’s Day 4-course meal for two. Sit down alone, order a glass of wine, tell the waiter that your sweetie is running a few minutes late. Fiddle with your phone, finish your glass of wine, and allow at least twenty minutes to pass. Ask the waiter to go ahead and bring out the appetizer because your significant other is “pulling up to the parking lot,” and order yourself and your date a glass of wine. Polish off your second glass of wine, and nibble on your appetizer which craning your head towards the restaurant’s entrance. Sigh loudly, and begin sipping your “date’s” glass of wine. Allow at least another twenty minutes to pass before you break out the water works and stealthy head slams to the table.
At this point, enjoy the two filet mignons and chocolate mousse cake from the convenience of your own couch–after that SAG award-winning performance, your overpriced meal for two will surely be comped.
After the jump, find out six more ways to keep yourself entertained tonight.
2. Remind yourself why you’re single. Are you one of those guys that feels better with someone to take care of, who enjoys spending Friday nights snuggled up with a significant other, and longs for the days when you’ll be done with the desperate world of dating for good? A) grow a pair, B) visit a lesbian bar. I’m not joking. If you’ve forgotten how entitled and generally discontent girls are–by nature–nothing quite reminds you like a room full of ugly entitled and discontent tricks that (still) won’t sleep with you. You’ll rejoice in your freedom.
3. Have a movie marathon. But nothing written by Nora Ephron, stars a dog, or revolves around a friends-with-benefits scenario. Those will make you cry even more, and/or remind you that you don’t even have the shoulder of a lovable golden retriever to bury your weary head into. Stick to grittier films, with lots of blood and F-bombs. Movies by the Coen brothers or in the gangster genre are good bets.
4. Buy yourself an extravagant gift. The consolation prize spending weeknights alone should be your healthy bank account balance. Calculate the approximate amount of money you would have spent on gifts for a girlfriend or boyfriend this last Christmas and today–for me, the totals about $27 dollars–and spend it on a lavish present for yourself.
5. Have a Palentine’s Day. This is the one where you participate in every cliché Valentine’s Day activity, but substitute a romantic love for the true agape love you have for the world around you. Buy those cute fold-up Valentine’s Day cards with Spongebob characters on them and hand them out to your cubicle neighbors, bake brownies and leave them in the break room, send your grandma a bouquet of flowers, and leave a tiny box of Russell Stovers for the crazy cat lady next door. Now, why would a self-respecting individual like yourself participate in this sort of tomfoolery? I would recommend this strategy to those of you who have built up some truly atrocious karma–good deeds count for double when you’re cheering up people even more desperate and lonely than yourself.
6. Host an “I’m Indifferent to Valentine’s Day” party. I can’t decided which group of people annoy me more: those who are obsessed with Valentine’s day, wear pink, and toss those nasty candy hearts around like confetti; or, the people who let the world know how much they LOATHE V-Day by waxing poetic on how Hallmark and Hershey’s invented this faux holiday. Rather than the oh-so-popular “I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY” bash, have your nearest and dearest over and call it like it is–merely an excuse to socialize and be merry.
7. Go about your usual business. This is the option I’ll be taking–after all, I’m currently on a business trip and odds are I’ll spend tonight alone in my hotel room watching The Muppets on Pay Per View. Whether you usually spend your Tuesdays at the gym or watching Glee, delight in the fact that you’re above just another consumerist holiday that only Americans can appreciate. How very Tyler Durden of you. Well, minus the whole violence and mayhem aspect.