Here are 10 very weird Oklahoma laws

You know what’s dumb? Laws.

You know what’s really dumb? Passing a law that prohibits something that was already illegal in the state. That’s what North Carolina did yesterday. It’s official, y’all. Amendment One passed and gay marriage, something that already wasn’t legal in North Carolina, is constitutionally illegal.

This got me to thinking. Oklahoma legislators tend to have the same zeal for making stupid decisions regarding out laws. I don’t think anyone would consider us a very forward-thinking state, especially when you consider all the time and money spent on the personhood amendment that was deemed unconstitutional by the state supreme court. Factor our nearly Prohibition Era liquor laws and how many cities still have laws on the books that prohibit African-Americans from being within city limits after sundown (seriously, if you live in a suburb of Oklahoma City, you’re town probably has one of these) and you have a pretty silly mix of laws that really make us look pretty bad.

Anyway, I did some Internet searching on some of those "strange laws" websites and compiled a list of the 10 weirdest ones in Oklahoma. I'm not 100% sure if they are all real, but since they are on the internet, they probably are. Here they are:

10. It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. 

This seems pretty logical for me, Buffalos are big sweaty creatures that smell terrible and most likely aren’t able to fit inside a bar. I like how they limited this to buffalos though. Rumble the Bison, you have my number. Wanna go get a drink sometime?

9. One may not promote a “horse tripping event.”

I don’t know why anyone would trip horses or if this was a thing that Oklahomans used to do for fun. Luckily, though, if you own a race track, horses can totally trip as much as they want as long as you don’t promote the event as one in which the horse will trip. I guess this is Oklahoma’s nod to animal protection laws.

8. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

I can only assume that this law comes direct from the prom and wedding industries that want women to pay $150 to have their hair put in a complicated bun that requires no less than 75 bobby pins. I think the cosmetology school lobbyists got away with murder on this one.

7. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.

I thought this one was just a common courtesy, but apparently our lawmakers take this seriously. I think my boyfriend would be glad to know that this law exists and could potentially get me in trouble since I have a theory that all the food on his plate tastes better than mine and snack on it as such.

6. No one may spit on a sidewalk.

Perhaps it was all the lessons from my great-grandmother on the evils of spitting, but I really wish this was enforced. I don’t care if you’re chewing tobacco and need to spit. You put that crap in your mouth and you can freaking swallow it. Spitting is disgusting and is never acceptable. Never! Gross. You’re a terrible person if you spit. And you’re going to rot in hell.

5. Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.

I think this is Oklahoma’s attempt to get people to buy big expensive aquariums that house whole ecosystems rather than the little bowls fit for a gold-fish or a beta. But what the legislators don’t take into account is that very few people use the bus, and those that do don’t seem like the type to drop nearly a thousand dollars on fish keeping equipment. I would say this is pet owner discrimination.

4. Tissues are not to be found in the back of one’s car.

I think this one only affects Patrick when he’s sitting outside Joleen Chaney and Emily Sutton’s apartment and watching their silhouettes through the window.

3. Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.

I actually think this is one that happens. It seems every time I watch a local news channel there is some grainy mug shot of some dude who got caught. So, good on you, news channels. You get the law-abiding badge at the next scout meeting.

2. It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

This is probably another thing that most shoe owners would abide by regardless of any law. Seriously, shoes are expensive, especially boots. Ladies, would you let a pig trot about in your Fryes? Nope. Not at all. I can only assume that at some point in the past horseshoes became scarce and horse owners became desperate for something to put on their hooves. There’s a joke in there about running out of luck, but I don’t care because I really want to get to the last law.

1. Oral sex is a misdemeanor and is punishable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine.

If you needed any proof that our legislators are a bunch of prudes that don’t like to have any sort of fun or pleasure, there it is. If this law were enforced, I would probably be serving some ridiculously long jail sentence and would be in debt from the fines. Baby, if loving you is a misdemeanor in the great state of Oklahoma, then I don’t want to be right.

And there you have it. I’m sure a more legally inclined individual could give you the titles of these laws and when they came into being. But that’s not my job. I’m here to make inflammatory comments for the sake of internet traffic. Lawyerly types: What other laws are out there for us to scoff at?