Remember back in the good old days when the Oklahoma City Thunder was the best basketball team on the planet? I sure do.
For those who don’t remember, it was an amazing time for our city. OKC basically turned into a real life version of Seahaven from The Truman Show, only a bit more cheerful and gay. It wasn’t uncommon to see total strangers skipping through the streets of downtown while holding hands and doing cartwheels. Young couples donned fake James Harden Beards and “Thundered Up” in the bathroom. Your boss let you leave work 30-minutes early and ended his emails with “Cheers.” Local models striped off their clothes, bathed nude in the Bricktown Canal, and then sang inspirational hymns.
Unfortunately, that time is long gone. Oklahoma City has quickly turned into a metropolis of darkness and despair. It’s like we all watched Artex die in the Swamp of Sadness on Tuesday night and are now simply waiting for the Nothing to come take us away. I heard that even Gary England has spent the past few days crying on a throne of tears.
And now, right when we are at our lowest and weakest point, some comedian from Chicago shits on us all and releases this awful Thunder rap tribute music video thing:
Seriously, how did we get to this point? We’ve gone from cool cars, beer pong tables and “Beard Like Harden” to Kumar rapping about something called Thunder Clap Clap Clap. Why can’t a meteor go ahead and slam into Bricktown and put us out of our misery?
Wait! I have a better idea!
Maybe the Thunder — and particularly James Harden — can remember how to play basketball for 48 minutes and bring the NBA Finals back to Oklahoma City. If they can do that, Oklahoma City will be just two home wins away from the Larry O’Brien trophy. Granted, the odds of that happening are low, but if it happens I guarantee sunshine will return, bluebirds will land on our shoulders, and happiness will flow forever. Or at least until football season starts.