Monday Morning Tweets: Multi-Level Marketing, Root Beer Floats, and Grunting

Hello again, internet people! It’s Monday morning, which means it’s time for Monday Morning Tweets! This is ordinarily where I would write something witty or profound or both, but today it’s neither. Because I have to admit, I’ve got nothing. I’m just writing to take up space at this point. Let’s just go straight to the tweets, which are after the fold.

Mark Clayton (@MarkClayton89)

I know what you’re thinking: “Haha, Mark Clayton, you naif! You clicked on one of those spam links and it hacked your account and sent out one of those junk tweets.” That’s what this guy thought,too:

But, no, Mark Clayton was not hacked, as he quickly clarified:

Yes, Mark Clayton, NFL wide receiver and college graduate, is hawking one of those idiotic and invasive` pyramid schemes on Twitter. But it’s it good one. You know, something to help multi-millionaire athletes “pay the bills you have to pay anyway.” It sure is a proud day for the University of Oklahoma. When Bob Stoops passes me on Lindsay St. driving a pink Cadillac, we’ll know there’s some serious problems in Norman.

Emily Sutton (@emilyrsutton)

What do I call it? I call it a root beer float, because I am a person who is alive and knows what you call something with ice cream and root beer in it. A brown cow? Has anyone ever heard of a root beer float being called that before? That is blasphemous!

Other interesting debates overheard in the Channel 4 newsroom:

• Do you call it a “caesar salad” or a “forest feast?””
• Do you refer to the leader of our country as “the president” or “Floppy McTrombone”
• Do you call the year we are living in “2012” or “pants?”
• Do you call it “Bob Barry’s Jr.” or “Mr. Wiggles?”

These debates all make as much sense as referring to a root beer float as a “brown cow.”

Kelly Ogle (@kellyogle)

No offense to Kelly Ogle — he’s a handsome giant, after all — but the pom girls were way better looking back when I was in high school.

Greg Swaim (@GSwaim)

OK. This is in reference to the picture of Kenny Stills we posted last week, which made the rounds and got a few chuckles and good-natured ribbing. From the sane. Greg Swaim, on the other hand… where to begin?

No, Kenny Stills won’t “get his ass kicked” for wearing a dress here in Oklahoma. I know that because I have been paying attention to the news and saw no mention of Kenny Stills getting his ass kicked for wearing a dress. Also? If he had gotten his ass kicked for wearing a dress, that would be, like, a really big problem! I’m fairly certain that would be assault? Or battery? Or something. I’m not a lawyer here, you guys. But it would not be good, and most reasonable people would probably be like “Hey, they’re kicking that guy’s ass just because he’s wearing a dress! What the fuck, man? That’s not cool.” Not Greg Swaim. He thinks that’s a-ok.

Also, those Blake Griffin pictures — which we were the first too publish — weren’t from when he was at OU. And yes, it IS a coincidence that he’s in California. That’s how the NBA draft works. What the hell.

The Dean Blevins Memorial Weekly Tweet From Dean Blevins (@DeanBlevins)

Those of you who follow me on Twitter know I agonized about which of Deano’s tweets I should use this week. It’s always hard, but this week’s was even worse. Consider some of the options I had:

1. Deano reveals he brews huge batches of tea at 10:47 at night
2. “It’s what’s in her mouth that counts.”
3. No idea
4. Deano thinks the only place to find medical care for diabetes is in Boston
5. 3 scoops Peanut Butter Cup.
6. Deano counts the freckles on Linda Cohn’s arm
7. Deano messes up counting the freckles on Linda Cohn’s arm and has to start over counting the freckles on Linda Cohn’s arm
8. Deano meets Sean Hannity

I mean, wow. That is like a month’s worth of classic Deano tweets in only a week’s time. How does he do it!? In any event, I chose none of those, and instead went with this one:

I picked this one because it has almost all of the characteristics of a trademark Dean Blevins tweet:

It is about a country club sport. It is unnecessarily wordy and flowery with language (Seriously, just say: “Happy Serena won. Azarenka grunts too much.”). It misspells someone’s name. It invents a nickname for someone. And he scolds someone in it. All that’s missing is a Tiger Woods reference and we’d have all of Deano’s Twitter tendencies in one perfect tweet.

That’s all for this week. Follow me here. Good bye!