Last week, Kelly Crull was unceremoniously released from her duties as the Oklahoma City Thunder sideline reporter. We’re not 100% sure why she was let go, but it probably wasn’t because the color of her eyebrows matched her skin tone, making it look like she lost them in a terrible sorority prank. That would be awful and mean.
“Kelly will not return as the sideline reporter for next season,” Dan Mahoney, vice president of communications and community relations, said in an email. “We are in the process of finding a new sideline reporter.”
Crull could not be immediately reached for comment.
I actually didn’t mind Kelly. Sure, all she had to do was lob meatball questions at the players and spout off the obvious when the camera was on her, but that was her job and she did it well. That’s something Brian Davis struggles with every day.
Anyway, regardless of the “why” she won’t be returning, the pressing question is, “who is going to replace her?” Patrick and I came up with 10 possible future sideline reporters for Berry’s Boomers:
1. The Mathis Brothers
Since golden boy Rit Mathis has taken over commercial duty, the Mathis Brothers have a lot of additional time on their hands. They are comfortable on camera and can memorize numbers and names effortlessly, although it might be odd to see them carrying around small children and animals during the game.
2. Morgan Woolard
According to her Twitter, I think she usually cheers for the Celtics. But she was cheering for OKC during the NBA Finals. She’s hot and from Oklahoma. Does it really matter if she knows anything about sports?
3. Al Eschbach
Al thinks he knows sports. He’s still allowed to drive at night, so getting to and from the games won’t be a problem. The only problem I can foresee is that the cameraman would have to be in Loud City to get Al and an NBA player in the same shot. Also, he’s not very easy on the eyes.
4. Bibi Jones… err, Britney Maclin
She has retired from adult films and settled down with a fella. As long as the questions she asked involved guttural noises, I think she would be fine. But being around all those professional athletes might pose a problem for her marriage.
5. A Pump Jack
OK, so a pump jack is just a thing and can’t ask questions, but Oklahoman’s love anything that has to do with oil. Especially the owners of the team. And if a pump jack auditioned for the job, it would get it. Plus, they always look like they are nodding, which is an affirmation during good conversations.
6. Mayor Mick
He is a former sports anchor, so this would be second nature to him. He’s friendly and well liked in OKC. Plus, our city basically shuts down when the Thunder play, this would give him something to do when the city doesn’t need someone at the helm.
7. BJ Wexler
This makes perfect sense. As the long time host of the OETA movie club, BJ is skilled at providing viewers with interesting facts and tidbits about what they are watching on TV. That’s a skill that will translate nicely to a career as sideline reporter. Plus, it would be fun to hear the Gremlin’s theme during his post game interviews.
8. Sgt. Jennifer Waldrow
She’s comfortable on camera, means serious business and is blonde. Plus, she could wear a cop uniform to the game. Works for us.
9. The Gaylord’s Money
Sure, like the pump jack, the money wouldn’t be able to ask questions or tell us what Coach Brooks is feeling, but it is the reason the Thunder are in OKC. And being a fan of money, it would be awesome to get to see some every now and again. If the Gaylord’s money and I ever met, I would ask it on a date. After a traditional courting period I would propose marriage and never have to worry about not having money again! Hey, it worked for Clay Bennett. BURN!
10. Clark Matthews
Even though he doesn’t talk a lot, he does have some free time on his hands.