Today is the day when you finally get to cast your ballot. Exciting, huh? You’ve probably done your research about who you want to be the next Commander-in-Chief, but I doubt you know a thing about the judges who you’ll be asked to retain or dismiss. Because of that, Patrick and I are here to provide you with a few details about the justices, along with our personal endorsements.
Supreme Court District 3: Noma D. Gurich
SPENCER — Vote Yes: Norma Gurich deserves your vote. She’s smart and only the third woman to be appointed to the Oklahoma Supreme Court. We need MORE women on the Supreme Court, because you don’t have to pay them as much as a man.
PATRICK — Vote No: I don’t know about this lady. I want my judge to look like a judge and not a retired cast member of Cirque Du Soleil. I’m pretty sure she swallows swords and rides unicycles on the weekend.
Supreme Court District 4: Yvonne Kauger
SPENCER — Vote Yes: I like Justice Kauger. She’s fair, balanced and impartial. Basically, she’s the opposite of Fox News. Plus, her colorful doilies are made by the same blind refugee that makes Mike Morgan’s bedazzled ties.
PATRICK — Vote No: I’m basing this decision entirely on Kauger’s taste in art. She likes strange African and Native American masks made by white men from Ada. One time I went to an art show at her mansion near the capitol and ended up coming home with something called a beaver stick. And I’m being serious.
Supreme Court District 7: James E. Edmondson
PATRICK — Vote Yes: It’s not an Oklahoma election unless there’s an “Edmondson” on the ballot. No lie, the first Edmondson ran for public office in 1932. That was 80-years ago. They even have their own family campaign song. I’m not one to mess with tradition.
SPENCER — Vote No: I’m pretty sure this guy hasn’t had a photo taken since the invention of digital cameras. That’s the only one we could find, which incidentally, means every photo of him was taken on film and had to be developed at Eckerd. Think about that. Also, his last name has “Edmond” in it. And Edmond sucks.
Supreme Court District 8: Douglas L. Combs
SPENCER — Vote Yes: Justice Combs is from Shawnee. I’m from Shawnee. Vote “yes” to retain him!
PATRICK — Vote No: I know some people from Shawnee, and let me tell you, they are all pretty much diseased ginger pretty boys who can’t read or count. Shawnee’s the Mos Eisley spaceport of Oklahoma. You’ll never find or more wretched hive of scum and villainy in our state. Well, excluding the panhandle.
Court of Criminal Appeals District 1: Clancy Smith
PATRICK — Vote Yes: I really like her name. Clancy Smith. It’s a unisex name, and would be perfect for the bad guy in a Spy novel, a detective on CSI, or a liberal activist judge. Plus, she wears a lanyard made of pearls. You know what they say about girls who like pearls.
SPENCER — Vote No: Look at the face she’s making in her photo, it is the “I’m not impressed face.” Well Mrs. Impossible To Please, I’m not impressed with you! And the flowers in the background are stupid. She probably farted during this pic and blamed it on her new leather chair.
Court of Criminal Appeals District 4: Arlene Johnson
PATRICK — Vote Yes: This is what I call the golden rule of voting for judges. If the judge looks like she works weekends at Steinmart, vote yes.
SPENCER — Vote No: Arlene used to serve as an adjunct professor at OU’s law school. We don’t want one of these “liberal activist judges” educating our future lawyers. Plus, she’s a ginger. Can a ginger judge anyone? No, no we can’t.
Court of Criminal Appeals District 5: David B. Lewis
SPENCER — Vote Yes: I’m not sure why I like Judge Lewis. It might be that he reminds me of Will Smith’s uncle from The Fresh Prince of Bell Aire. And not because he’s black! Because he makes well-informed judicial decisions.
PATRICK — Vote No: Wait a second. How’d I get stuck with the “No” vote for the black judge?! Screw that! The last thing I want to deal with is all 10 members of the Oklahoma NAACP sending me angry emails. Vote “Yes” for this guy.
JUDGE OF THE OKLAHOMA COURT OF CIVIL APPEALS
DISTRICT 3, OFFICE 1 P. Thomas Thornbrugh
DISTRICT 4, OFFICE 1 William C. Hetherington, Jr.
DISTRICT 5, OFFICE 1 Kenneth L. Buettner
DISTRICT 5, OFFICE 2 Robert Bobby Bell
DISTRICT 6, OFFICE 1 E. Bay Mitchell, III
PATRICK and SPENCER – Vote Yes: For the most part, Patrick and I are both law-abiding citizens, so I doubt either one of us will ever be in front of the court of criminal appeals. We’re not sure about the civil court. One of us will likely be sued for libel sometime soon, so in order to make these judges owe us a favor, vote to retain these well qualified and distinguished individuals.
Anyway, that’s our guide. Don’t forget to vote today! Follow me on Twitter!