What’s up, readers? I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving full of food and family and most likely Pepto-Bismol. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that really requires stamina and intestinal fortitude, and turning a blind eye when your family drunkenly asks your date inappropriate questions about their life. If you’re lucky, you have today off and can recover from the festivities. And, you’re in luck! I’ve compiled a list of things for you to do on this lazy post-Thanksgiving Friday!
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town!
Eat pie for breakfast
Breakfast is generally my least favorite meal of the day. I like a good brunch that involves home fries and mimosas, but the average breakfast just can’t hold a candle to that kind of tastiness. But today, readers, breakfast is awesome! If you’ve never had pie for breakfast, then your life is a meaningless void where your jeans always fit. (Bitch ass skinny bitches…) So grab that pecan pie out of the fridge and throw it in a cereal bowl lest your parents question your breakfast choice and remind you how large you actually are. Bonus points awarded if you eat a pumpkin pie, because that’s like a vegetable and that means it’s healthy.
Murder a stranger for parking at Penn Square Mall
Some people spend the Friday after Thanksgiving shopping. I think that’s weird. As a member of Gen Y, I know where you can find better deals on merchandise online all year round and don’t see a need to actually ever set foot in a mall. But maybe you’re the type that thinks you need to wait in line forever and sprint into a store to grab something your kid will play with for two weeks and then forget about. And if you go to Penn Square Mall today, then you experience the awful parking in a way most of us will never know. I’m sure there will be bullets flying through the air, and lots of slashed tires. The definition of anger is finding parking at Penn Square Mall during the Christmas shopping season. So if you go, I hope you’re ready to earn that teardrop tattoo. Thug life.
Hang out with people from high school
There’s no place like home for the holidays. And I would add that there’s nothing like masturbating in your childhood bedroom. If you’re spending the weekend in your hometown, it’s inevitable that at some point today you’ll see a Facebook post from a high school friend letting everyone know what bar they’ll be at tonight and how everyone should come out too. Now, if you’ve made something of yourself, this could feel like a bit of a regression. If you’re like me, then seeing successful people you used to know will send you spiraling into an awful depression that makes you face the failure you’ve become. So, ENHS class of ’04, I’ll see you at the Wolf Trap tonight. I’ll be the drunk girl calling everyone out and crying sporadically for no reason.
That’s all for this weekend, readers. Enjoy your weekend, and if you’re working retail today, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.
“Friday Night in the Big Town” is presented by Lucky Star Casino. Visit LuckyStarCasino.org to check out a full calendar of their events and concerts.”