Good afternoon, people who should be working. Why a picture of Needle Nose Ned? Ned the Head? Because we’re going over February and that’s when Groundhog Day takes place. Also, I mistyped something in Google when looking for Needle Nose Ned and let’s just say I stumbled upon a whole new subculture of people who perform “services” under the pseudonym “Needle Nose”. Wow.
Check out the Top 5 TLO posts from February and vote for your favorite.
What We Said: “Maybe instead of being such a douche, Swanson should lighten up and get a little more cynical and flippant. His boss is a youth pastor turned church camp director turned US Congressman. You’d think being cynical and flippant would be part of Swanson’s daily routine.”
What We Learned: We learned that we’re really good at tracking and being a part of social network skirmishes. We also kind of think Randy Swanson and his boss would make a cute couple. To be fair it wouldn’t be the first time someone involved with Falls Creek discovered that part about themselves.
Best Comment: “looks like you guys beat newsok to the scoop about Jerry Adams dying. ” – Danney
What We Said: “Barf.”
What We Learned: People are super sensitive about trashing poorly produced and non-spontaneous wedding proposals. This post broke our comment machine. We get it. They’re nice people deserving of a shallow and vapid thing. I have little empathy for people who think that’s a magical evening. A magical evening is one where you don’t have a camera crew involved. At all.
Best Comment: Incredibly judgemental and I pray for God to have mercy on your pitiful soul. – Jennifer (God’s Mouthpiece)
What We Said: “Yes, the insurance department royally screwed up. It’s actually the Media Award that’s supposed to go to the girl with the biggest tits. I believe they are aware of their error and will correct it shortly.”
What We Learned: We learned the insurance department has a sense of humor bordering on sexual harassment. Besides, why does it have to be “girl”. I’m sure there’s some sad sack fat dude in accounting named Carl who is rockin’ a set of great tits. Wanna see amazing breasts, always? Golden Corral. Man oh man. I never said they were attached anything worth talking to. So not unlike most girls at nightclubs and Carl from accounting.
Best Comment: Shouldn’t that be “Taffany Titro”? – Rick
What We Said: “So yeah, as if being born a millionaire and then becoming a billionaire wasn’t enough, Aubrey McClendon is somehow related to the hottest girl on the planet.”
What We Learned: Lord knows we spent a lot of time running a corporation into the ground in pretty shady ways while many people stand to lose their livelihoods over our ineptitude, just to be like Big Daddy Aubrey. We totally forgot to work in being related to someone who looks like Kate Upton. By marriage no less! So it’s only slightly creepy. Nah, it’s real creepy. We deal with ourselves by burning large piles of cash though. Just like our hero.
Best Comment: “Kate is Katie’s niece. So I think you’re wrong in the chain of how they are related, but yes, they are related.” – Jane (Chesapeake’s unofficial lineage expert)
What We Said: “Yesterday, our state lawmakers introduced SB 1433 to the Senate Floor. The bill, now known as the Personhood Act, is part of the right-wing movement to give rights to fertilized human embryos, including the ones that still haven’t lost their gills or tails.”
What We Learned: We were the first to break this story. This is the most pride we’ve had involving the word semen, ever. It’s possible for lawmakers to have a wicked sense of humor. Thanks to Senator Constance Johnson for proposing something in jest to make a statement. The sad part is many people felt this was a real thing and worthy of sponsoring. Let’s just say if this had made it as far as being a law, any male within the age range of 12 to dead would be in prison. We also learned it’s never ever a bad time to see Kate Upton. I’d like to Voluntary Separate her. Am I right?! Make sure to tip your wait staff!
Best Comment: “I’m sure glad that, for me, sex begins and ends with Patrick nowhere around.” – Megan (To be fair, “Megan” was Spencer’s name when he was a woman.)