The flu has been a pretty big deal this year. I have known several people to catch it, though try as I might, I haven’t contracted it myself. (I’ve been trying to lose 30 pounds for the past year. I think the flu would really kick start my diet way better than eating less and exercising more ever could.) Even our Patrick was struck with the illness. I can’t turn on my TV without hearing a newscaster reminding me to get a flu shot or to wash my hands. I find it odd that they would remind me to wash my hands, because mostly adults watch the news, and you can’t consider yourself a grownup unless you know about the importance of washing your hands.
Well, there have been 3 more flu-related deaths reported in Oklahoma, bringing the total to 17. Yes, that’s right. Much like Lavinia Swire, Okies have succumbed to the flu. And I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I mean, how many more times can Walgreens advertise that they have flu shots? And how many more times can your office administrator set out a large jug of hand sanitizer and remind the office to use it liberally? HOW MANY MORE PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE, OKLAHOMA?! I’m almost rethinking my commitment to my flu diet plan. Almost.
Now, I’ve studied enough epidemiology in my life to know that a few things must be happening. And I’m prepared to share them with you readers. Pay attention, because these are the only reasons that can explain why the flu is so bad this year.
A rhesus monkey is carrying the disease
Somewhere, probably out in the country, there is a little girl who has befriended a monkey. Her parents won’t know about it until the government agency shows up and explains that the flu antidote is contained in the monkey that they’re daughter is playing with. This monkey also probably bit someone and that’s what started the flu. Then, much like in the movie Outbreak, the flu subsides when we start injecting people with monkey goo.
There was an outbreak at a government lab
Basically, all the government does all day is make chemical weapons that they put in junk food to make us docile. And when they’re not doing that, they are engineering awful viruses to use against our enemies, kind of like those VX poison gas rockets that were used as the MacGuffin in The Rock. Sometimes those chemicals get out. And that usually leads to the demise of mankind, kind of like what’s happening now with the flu.
Humanity is being cleansed to prepare for the epic battle between God and Randall Flagg
Let’s all take a moment and think about how great the opening scene in The Stand is when they play “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” What a clever song choice! Anyway, the reason the flu got out of that government lab is because God and Randall Flagg are about to battle it out hardcore and the old lady in Nebraska is gonna save us all. And can we just think momentarily about how Rob Low has not aged at all since he was in that miniseries?
Some people are the aliens from War of the Worlds
At the end of War of the World, mankind is saved because we’re, gross booger-eating, germy creatures who have to be reminded by newscasters to wash our hands. The reason so many people are dying from the flu is because they are the aliens from this movie, and we’re just weeding them out before they can take over.
Any questions? No? Good. Now, if you have the flu and feel like making out with me, call me. I’m serious. I want to lose ten pounds of sick weight.