February 11, 2013: The day that the apocalypse happened in Norman, Oklahoma

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Norman is a pretty nice place to live. Sure, I have to deal with stupid traffic nine months out of the year, and sometimes I feel old when I go to Campus Corner because I’m actually of legal drinking age. But it has a nice small town sort of feel, and the beer is always cheap. It’s safe to say that Norman is a quiet little college town and a burgeoning suburb where you can live quietly and ride your bike pretty much anywhere you want.

But let’s rewind back to Monday, February 11—the day that the apocalypse happened in Norman, Oklahoma.

Two escaped inmates went on the run, causing a city-wide lockdown for Norman Public Schools as well as multiple alert texts being sent to OU students. One was caught fairly quickly, but one of the inmates gave the cops a run for him money. Buses stopped running in certain areas as the city searched for someone in green pants and a brown coat.

Now, as I’m reading the alert texts from OU, my mother sent me a text asking if I was still alive because she heard about the fatal car wreck on I-35. All southbound lanes were closed to traffic between Main and Lindsey as crews worked to clean up the wreck.

But wait, there’s more! Did you know people still rob banks? Forget that our dependence upon credit and debit cards makes card counterfeiting and phishing scams a more viable money making opportunity, because this dude went old school. Homeboy passed a note to the Bank of Oklahoma teller, she gave him some cash, and he rode away on his bike.

But that’s not even the biggest deal of the day on Monday! Seriously. I went to Sooner Mall and got 3 skirts, 3 shirts, and 2 pairs of pants for $140. How insane is that?!

This brings me to the only conclusions I can draw based on the given information. Research is pending, and thus I’m unable to conclusively pinpoint the reason for the recent occurrences, but given the proper amount of time, I fully believe I can find the cause of recent events.

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We have entered the dark timeline

Each day we make choices that create divergent paths. We can never know how these instances change the courses of our lives, though suffice it to say each and every choice brings about a new path. Something has occurred in Norman that has altered our path. We were pretty happy-go-lucky until a few days ago. Someone in Norman did something that brought us to this point. Most likely, this little butterfly effect happened because David Boren started taking his suits to a new dry cleaners.

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Things just got a little too good

I once got a fortune cookie that said “the deeper sorrow carves into your being the more happiness you can contain.” I believe this to be true because all wisdom should come from sweets. However, we are currently experiencing the reverse in Norman. We’re about to get a Sprouts Farmer’s Market and an S&B’s Burger Joint. It was only a matter of time before we were brought down by sadness and evil.

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That Indian burial ground myth thing is true

Everyone knows that the reason no tornadoes come through Norman is because the city was built on an old Indian burial ground. But then, last spring, we got hit with a tornado that ripped right through the middle of the city and then I got to talk to an Ogle on News 9. This period of time in Norman most closely resembles the scene in Poltergeist where the little old lady is telling Carol Ann to go into the light. And by that I mean the spirits are pissed and taking it out on us.

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Edmond is running a conspiracy against Norman

There are two extremes on either side of Oklahoma City. You have Edmond to the north and Norman to the south. And it is between those two places that people choose where they will migrate. (No, people don’t decide to live in Moore. They settle for Moore.) Recently, Norman has been looking pretty nice, and if you like gawdy, huge houses that have no soul but cost more than I will make in the next ten years, the west side has you covered. It’s truly giving my hometown of Edmond a run for its money. And Edmond doesn’t like it. That’s why the residents of E-town are creating havoc in my city.