Well, here we are the end of spring break. There is no more fun until the summer time. Or, if you’re like me, there is no more fun until the next time you decide you need to drink a whole bottle of red wine while you read Pinterest. I know how to live it up. This “holiday” can happen on a Tuesday, a Sunday at 11 AM, or your lunch break! That’s the great thing about wine. It’s so versatile. It’s a delightful way to relax, or a great lunch. I suggest you try it. All you need is a $7 bottle of merlot.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Readers, patio season approaches. It’s kind of here, but we keep getting these crappy cold snaps. But soon, for like two weeks, the weather will be nice enough for us to sit outside and drink margaritas or beers or light wines or really whatever you want. Then, it will be way too hot to even go outside to check the mail, much less to sit outside and consume alcohol. But for those two weeks in the spring and those two weeks in the fall when the weather is perfect—it’s all about the patio.
This weekend, if you aren’t satisfied with the patios that restaurants have to offer, you can build your own. Get yourself on down to the State Fairgrounds to see the very best in Spanish tiles, terra cotta pots, wrought iron furniture, and hot tubs (ah yeah!). Then, after you’ve spoken with a contractor to turn your backyard into an oasis and escape, you can invite me over. I’ll totally bring over some Carlo Rossi or whatever. Let’s do this, readers.
Fitness is probably one of the worst things in the world. It’s no secret that I love beer and cheese fries in an unnatural sort of way. I can think of nothing better than laying my naked body in a bed of cheese fries while I writhe in pure ecstasy as a fountain of ranch cascades over me. Seriously. This is the foundation upon which I base all sexual pleasure. This being Oklahoma, I know for sure that I’m not the only one. And if cheese fries aren’t available, potato skins will do in a pinch.
Anyway, I’ve been seeing this ad for a couple weeks now and I figured it’s time for me to write about it. Because here’s the thing, readers. Abs are the unicorn of the fitness world. Sure, you’ve seen them in pictures, but they don’t just appear. Unicorns only appear to virgins. And I have a theory that abs only appear on virgins—hence why our readership is pretty much excluded from achieving this fitness goal. Sure, you’ll never look good in a swimsuit, but dang, y’all. You get to bone down. Worth it.
I once saw Jim Gaffigan at the Rose State Performing Arts Center about 7 years ago. Unbeknownst to me, it was a date. A very awkward date. Also, there was about twenty minutes of his show that was him doing various Hot Pocket jingles in a weird voice. That was funny. What wasn’t funny was the dude I was on a “date” with saying that over and over on the car ride home. Then, as the evening progressed, he basically recited a few episodes of Family Guy. He now works at Mazzio’s.
Anyway, if you’re a dude and you want to trick some unsuspecting girl into a date, this is how you go about it. First, tell her that several of your mutual friends are going to see this comedian and then offer to order her ticket. Then, you come pick her up and say “everyone bailed” because it’s totally logical that 8 other people wouldn’t show up. Then, you go to Jim Gaffigan. Then, you prove how unoriginal you are by saying things that are only funny in the context of television shows that I totally don’t watch.
That’s all for this weekend, readers. I love you, you know.
“Friday Night in the Big Town” is presented by Lucky Star Casino. Visit LuckyStarCasino.org to check out a full calendar of their events and concerts.”