It’s rough being an Edmond teenager. Yes, I’m being serious. Stick with me on this one, I’m about to name a whole bunch of first world problems that you can’t judge me on especially since you have access to a device that can access the internet.
The only reason I’m here writing for The Lost Ogle today is because I know why Edmond sucks. Don’t get me wrong. I love it too. It’s my stomping grounds. Some day, when Patrick lets me post the official Gentle Marisa Edmond Tour, I’ll show you awesome things about the city, like where I had my first kiss, where I got drunk for the first time, and where I used to hide my stash. It’s a pretty great tour and includes a house that Shannon Miller once lived in.
But the reason it’s hard to be an Edmond teen is because it’s so damn boring. Sure, it’s safe and a great place to raise a family. But close your eyes and pretend your 16. Chances are you imagined yourself being bored out of your mind or consuming a bunch of vodka and Valium like the cheerleaders at my alma mater used to do during basketball games.
Well, it’s recently gotten worse. Some lame kids couldn’t keep a secret, and now you can no longer get tattoos as a minor in Edmond. According to KFOR.com:
EDMOND, Okla. – An Edmond man has been arrested for giving tattoos to juveniles.
Ambrosia Thomas, 32, turned himself into authorities this week but the alleged incidents happened back in September.
That’s when police were tipped off by a father who said his daughter and a group of kids told their parents they were headed to the movies.
Instead, they went to a house in the area of 15th St. and Bryant where they met a man to get tattoos.
In Oklahoma you have to be 18 to get a tattoo.
Check out the man who did the tattooing:
Now, I don’t openly advocate breaking the law. But dang, y’all. Can’t some rich kids make terrible decisions every once in a while without some mean, old dad taking away all the fun? No more tattoos for you Edmond kids. Now your only choices for a night on the town are to go to two different life church locations or the ghost town that is Kickingbird Theater.
But this all got me to thinking. There was a time when I knew what was going down in Edmond. And I didn’t squeal like a lousy snitch. So, for the edification of our young Edmondite readers, I thought I’d share some of the tips and tricks of my youth. Granted, I graduated high school 9 years ago, so I don’t know how many of these still hold true. But you’re welcome to try.
Ellis worked at the 7-11 on Bryant and Second. If you went in and asked him where he kept the blue Gatorade, he would point to the cooler. If you said, “No, the other blue Gatorade,” he would meet you out behind the store in 15 minutes and sell you a case of Natty for $20. If you were a girl, he’d sell it to you for $10, but he’d also make you invite him to the house party.
Darryl was an emancipated minor that lived in one of the duplexes on Fretz across from Edmond North. The state paid his rent as long as he kept going to school. But that wasn’t Darryl’s style. Instead, you could get any part of your body pierced that you wanted at his house, and then you could take any manner of pill he offered. I totally know a girl who got her “downstairs” pierced right on the couch in the living room.
UCO has a few frats. They like girls. They aren’t picky about ages. I know that by even mentioning a specific frat by name that I run the risk of incurring the wrath of whatever Pan Hellenic organization governs the fraternities. I know that someone will send an email to Patrick about me slandering their organization. But if you’re an underaged girl and you want to get hammered, get to the ATO house.
(Editor’s Note: Patrick little brother is a UCO frat boy. Ugh.)
A cool thing about Edmond is that all the cops assume the naughty kids are at Hafer Park. Not so. Mitch Park affords so much more shelter with its vast expanses of wooded walking trails and lack of lights. This makes it a great place to hide out and do things that you can’t do in your parents’ home. Be careful though. A dark evil lurks somewhere in the darkness.
You weren’t a badass in my day until you got pulled over for breaking curfew. I never got pulled over, because my curfew was 10 PM until I turned 18. But maybe if you don’t have tiger parents, you can get away with being a normal teenager that gets hassled by bored cops. I hear tell that they don’t enforce that law so much anymore sense parents got hacked off that they had to come pick up their 17-year olds at the police station. But you should test out this theory. See if you can get arrested. Do it.
Well, Edmond teens, I’m sorry. That’s all I have for you. Trust me, though. When you leave Edmond, it totally gets better.