Watch Out! Pantsing thieves are on the loose!

8:00 AM EDT on June 18, 2013

I'm pretty much in constant fear of getting kidnapped or murdered. This is definitely my own fault, as I spend a lot of my free time watching I.D. and E! Investigates. These programs have made me paranoid about doing even simple things, like getting eggs at the grocery store or taking naps with my windows open.

I also fear, well, being pantsed. Rewind back to middle school, when my anxieties centered around getting a pimple or acting like a spaz in front of a football player. Thanks to a traumatic incident in gym class which involved a pair of elastic shorts that said "CHEER" across the butt and a punk in a studded belt and Blink-182 t-shirt, I have a fear of having my pants ripped down in front of a large audience (again).

Unfortunately for me, my two biggest horrors have joined forces to form a super-crime spree more terrifying than Biker Fox on bath salts chasing me into a sink hole. Not only are armed criminals stealing really tricked-out cars, but they're taking the victim's pants with them, too.

From News on 6:

A stolen custom Cadillac was found abandoned on the westbound Broken Arrow Expressway near the Harvard exit overnight Sunday.
The thieves may have run out of gas as they stole the car from a gas station before the owner could fill the tank.
Sergeant Darren Bristow said the owner and his girlfriend were at an EZ Mart at 37th and South Memorial at about 1:45 a.m. to get gas when they were approached by two armed men. The victim believes the men were armed with .38-caliber revolvers, Bristow said.
"The strange thing is they ordered him to take his pants off," the sergeant told News On 6.
The thieves also robbed the woman then fled with the car and the man's pants...
The car was found within an hour on the BA Expressway by a News On 6 photographer.
Upon making attempts to contact the reporting party, police were unable to due to what appears to be false contact info.
Police towed the vehicle hoping to contact the owner. The vehicle had iridescent paint that appears purple or gold depending on the light, deep rims painted the same color and the word "flawle$$" written on the sides.
It has Arkansas plates.
Bristow said the car theft may be related to another incident a couple of nights ago where armed men also instructed a victim to take off his pants.

Is it just me, or does this whole thing sound like the plot to a Quick Change sequel? First, a couple steals an extremely loud and extremely memorable car. Couple stops for gas. Couple gets mugged and pants are taken. Cops arrive. Couple gives police fake identities before heading off to Mexico, picking up Brad Pitt along the way. Tom Hanks gets drunk and proclaims "there's no crying in baseball!" Then, I realize I've spent too much of my morning reading Geena Davis's IMDB page.

Actually, the Quick Change theory has legs to it. Who wouldn't claim this FLAWLE$$ piece of beauty from the cops. Come on, there has to be a reason: