And there I was; super-cracked iPhone 4 in the left hand, red solo cup of A&W Root Beer in the right. Watching the 49ers vs Seahawks game with sweat on my brow and tears in my eyes as Russell Wilson ruined all hopes of a fantasy football victory. As the stress mounts, I exhaled the deepest breath of my 23 years, closed my eyes, and said to myself “Fuck this.”
So I grabbed the remote, opened the channel guide, and began searching for the TV show that’s most enjoyable on mute. And as I began to lose hope with every click of the button, I saw it, the golden snitch: “Miss America Pageant 2014.” As my eyes widened, I took a moment to point to the ceiling and thank God for his 50 blessings. Cause I am not worthy. I mean dawg, are you serious? A bikini competition in a cold room? Stupid answers for simple questions about everyday news? The complete objectification of women with fake smiles and college degrees? That’s top notch entertainment, people. COUNT.ME.IN.
Naturally, I skimmed the contestants in search of the teeth that represent the great Sooner State, and there she was, looking tastier than an Egg McMuffin after midnight: Kelsey Griswold. Oklahoma’s very own Aphrodite. I watched the rest of pageant, knowing she would take him to the title, and Oklahoma would have it’s 25th Miss America. And then this happened:
It came down to Miss California and Miss New York? Crazy how a panel of celebrity judges from New York and California smoked Mr. White’s blue stuff and picked Miss New York and Miss California. We need Russell Westbrook as panelist next time. He’ll protect the Oklahoma edibles.
Distraught and with tears in my eyes, I then realized I must right this wrong, and share with the TLO world eight reasons why Ms. Kelsey should have won this thing… and probably gone on a victory date with me.
8. She Has The Voice Of An Angel
As that video shows: Kelsey got pipes. That’s the black way of saying “That gurl can sang!” which is also the black way of saying that. I can’t remember the title of the song, but that’s only because I was too mesmerized by the performance. Seriously, as her voice rang against my eardrums, I could feel a single tear roll down my right cheek. And I didn’t even wipe it away. It was beautiful. I mean, I haven’t felt that way since Will Ferrell performed at the Catalina Wine Mixer. And to be honest, I don’t even remember it ending ‘cause I blacked out. I blacked out in musical bliss and while I was unconscious, all I saw was visions of me and my grandmother eating macaroni ‘n cheese at Furr’s. Yeah man, she took me to my happy place.
7. She’s An Actress
In addition to being a talented vocalist, Kelsey’s also a talented actress. I’ve never seen her work or anything, but she IS the recipient of the OCU Acting Talent Scholarship so she obviously has skills. Her career ambition is to become a professional entertainer and I think that’s extremely possible; but only if she co-stars in one of my videos on youtube.com/DanteJordanTV where I will be releasing two new videos next week on Monday and Friday. Was that a plug? No, it was simply a comment regarding avenues of success. Everyone knows that women whose names start with K make great home videos.
6. She’s Very Smart
A wise man once told me a woman’s brains are more important than her looks. That was the first conversation I’ve ever walked away from. But then I thought about it, and by George he’s right. Think about it. Sure, a Ferrari looks nice, but if the engine malfunctions, then it’s just a pretty piece of shit. Same goes for women, but fortunately Kelsey’s operating at maximum capacity. She’s a member of the OCU Presidents Honor Roll and has also studied abroad at Kingston University in London. Know what that means? Exactly. She speaks English. It also means she’s dedicated, a hard-worker, organized, proactive, and handles her responsibilities as an adult. Literally all of the traits I lack.
5. She’s A Gym Rat
If you peep her tweets, you’ll notice she spends A LOT of time at the gym. It shows. This woman’s body looks like God put her on a cutting board, sliced away all of the fat, and let her bake in the Oven of Perfection at a temperature of “MY GOD, SHE’S HOT.” Like, when she emerged in that black bikini, all I could do was drop down and crank out 20 diamond pushups. She inspired me. It’s weird, but extremely fit women are the only things that motivate me to workout. No, I’m serious. I recently moved to Dallas and I’ve requested all my friends here give me a headcount of the beautiful women at their respective gyms before I make any serious monthly commitments. It matters because see, I’m the type of person that needs to see what I’m working for. I need to see the potential rewards. And that’s why if I see a beautiful woman at the gym, I take my workout up like three octaves. Shit, I might even put some weight on the bar if she’s a 10.
4. She’s Artsy
Kelsey is a fan of Shakespeare and enjoys A Midsummer Night’s Dream. That might not mean anything to you, but shiiiit..that’s incredible for me. Why? Because in 4th grade, I played the role of Oberon in Quail Creek Elementary’s rendition of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. That’s right, your boy is an ACK-TOR. Broadway should be calling any day now. But wait, that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Lol, only the tip. She also writes sonnets in her spare time. GUESS WHO ELSE WRITES POETRY? Dante L. Jordan. YUP. I sure do. As a matter of fact, I recently found a hidden gem on my home computer entitled Satisfaction. It was a poem that I wrote in middle school about the dark effects of drug addiction. I don’t know man, 7th grade was a weird time for me.
3. She’s A Sorority Girl
Kelsey is a Gamma Phi Beta at Oklahoma City University and amidst recent controversy surrounding sororities, I think we can all agree Kelset would have restored their good name.
By the way, I love me some sorority girls. They live in this protective bubble like Jake Gyllenhaal, just sheltered from how the real world works, and it makes them SO much fun to be around; so much fun that I once made a YouTube video ranking the OU Sororities. In that video I ranked Gamma Phi sixth, but shit…if I made another one they might just become #1 based on affiliation. It’s like when a groupie has sex with a famous athlete’s friends. Sure they’re completely different, but the simple connection is good enough for me. Sorry Chi-O.
2. She Loves The Kids.
In my research on Kelsey that may or may not result in a protective order, I discovered that Kelsey recently visited the Children’s Hospital where she interacted with the families, played games with the patients and made out with Lake Bell and Malin Akerman. I know, right? Crazy.
The ignorance and hate that people are displaying is absolutely sickening. Nina deserves to be Miss America and is perfect for the job.
— Miss Oklahoma (@MissOklahoma) September 16, 2013
1. She’s Down With The Brown
As 24-year old Indian goddess Nina Davuluri (Miss New York) was crowned Miss America, #RacistTwitter exploded in a fit of weak-assness and poor upbringing. If you aren’t aware, #RacistTwitter is the place you might get called the N-Word if you say Mad Men really isn’t that good of a show. But amidst all of the controversy, Kelsey showed extreme class, and in so many words called Racist Twitter a bunch of pussy ass fuck boys. And it was then, in that moment that I realized something: Miss Oklahoma is down with the brown. BEAUTIFUL. Do you know what this means?! My chances with her are now exactly the same as they were before; non-existent.