A few weeks ago while debunking the silly rumor that Severe Weather Diva Emily Sutton was engaged to Scott Hines, we made a sobering discovery. Emily Sutton has a serious boyfriend. Surprisingly, we took the news okay:
I’m going to climb to the top of the Devon Tower and eat at Vast. That will put me out of my misery.
Seriously, Emily Sutton has a boyfriend. And not only that, but he’s a serious one. I wonder what that means? Do they hold hands, share smiles, and fall asleep while watching Netflix together like other serious couples, or is he just too serious?
“Sweetie, look at the beautiful cumulostratus clouds forming on the horizon! Lets sing the weather song and think about puppies!”
“Please don’t bother me right now. I’m balancing my checkbook.”
I guess we’ll be good sports and congratulate Emily Sutton for getting a serious boyfriend. Unless, of course, the serious boyfriend is either Aaron Tuttle and /or drives a Dominator. If that’s the case, I really am going to eat at Vast.
Well, it looks like I get to eat in the Devon cafeteria instead.
Thanks to the wonders of the Ogle Mole Network, we’ve discovered the identity of Emily’s mysterious gentleman caller. His name is Michael Zurmehly. Unless they include clever references to the Shawnee Mall or barrel grinders, please refrain from any “Miiiiiiiiiike!!! Miiiiiiiiiiike!!! Miiiiiiiiiiike!!!” jokes.
Here’s a pic of the couple:
Yeah, Emily Sutton went out and landed herself a fireman. And not just any fireman, but a Moore firefighter. The guy is an American hero. While you’re reading this blog post from your computer or phone, he’s out saving lives, sliding down poles or shopping for groceries at Wal-Mart.
In all honesty, I’m happy for Emily. Based on my conversations with Chelsea and Marisa, landing a fireman is a big catch. It’s almost as cool as dating a blogger. It’s a move that makes both men and women jealous. It’s kind of like some famous dude scoring a bikini model, Hooters girl or bisexual stripper, but only way more classy.
I’m not very surprised that Emily scored some guy who makes you feel inferior, sad and worthless. At least it wasn’t the giant dude from Emily’s “Single in the City” auction. Landing the fireman hunk is just another milestone on her fateful transformation from meteorology nerd into weather princess. Obviously, the next step in her evolution will be to develop some sort of magical powers like Gary England. If that happens, lets hope she becomes a cool conjuror for the good like Rainbow Bright and not an evil bitchy sorceress from some Disney movie. Also, Mike Morgan better not pull an Emperor Palpatine and try to get Emily to join the Dark Side. When Mike calls for the dissolution of the National Weather Service and sends Reed Timmer out to KFOR Weather School with a light saber, we’ll know he’s up to something.
Anyway, if it’s not 100% obvious, Emily Sutton’s serious boyfriend is totally better than you (or your boyfriend). Here are a 10 reasons why:
1. He doesn’t drive a Dominator…
He actually rolls around in this:
The only thing the pulls in more tail than a fire truck is Rumble the Bison’s van.
2. He’s not a douche bag
3. He doesn’t help old ladies cross the street. He rescues them after they’ve fallen and can’t get up.
3. He doesn’t take orders from Mike Morgan…
4. Or Marla Morgan…
5. Or Abigail Ogle…
6. He’s not overly emotional…
7. He doesn’t take rainbow portraits in front of tornados.
8. He doesn’t want to be Superman at Princess Parties.
9. He’s never had a reality show cancelled by the Discovery Channel
10. He’s never made the Oklahoma City Community College Hall of Fame
Anyway, congrats again to Emily and Mike. I hope you enjoy your double dates with JoJo and that one dude. Don’t go to Vast.