KOCO wants to know if you speak Oklahoman

Last week, the folks at Channel 5 got a little bored and decided to break state law and ask if their readers speak Oklahoman. In case you’re not familiar, Oklahoman is the ebonics for conservative Christians.

Do You Talk Oklahoman

If you literally have nothing to do and want to burn your eyes, hop over to Facebook and check out the 1,705 comments. You’ll see the same crap being posted over and over again by people who think they are clever sharing their Oklahoma’isms. While it’s nice to see words that are distinct to Oklahoma and the region, regular words don’t mean the same thing in Oklahoma as they do in the rest of the country. Many seemingly straight-forward words have a completely different meaning in Oklahoma.

For example:

Bleeding heart liberal: Moderate Democrat or Republican who believes we shouldn’t euthanize the homeless.

Science: Atheism.

Homosexual: Person who has been possessed by the Devil and is a licensed terrorist.

Global Warming: Myth perpetuated by bleeding heart liberals to turn your children into homosexuals.

The Oklahoman: Our version of Fox News

Tornado: Go outside and take pictures

Beaver: Town with funny name

Gun: The Object that Jesus Christ gifted mankind for making America a strictly Christian nation.

Mathis Brothers Salesman: Stalker / Pet Shop Attendant

Salad: Vehicle for Ranch dressing.

Ranch Dressing: Juice.

Obesity: Hereditary genetic disease with no cure.

The State Fair of Oklahoma: Real life GRINDR meet-up.

Sexual Intercourse: Dirty and sinful, unless you are married and doing it to have a child.

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: Hitler and Stalin’s love child.

This isn’t a comprehensive list by any means. If you have some words or phrases that are distinctly Oklahoman, please leave them in the comments below. Also, follow me on Twitter!