About that $1,000 bullet proof tornado blanket…

body guard blanket

Steve Walker, a podiatrist in Edmond with the best possible name for a foot doctor, has come up with an invention to save the lives of Oklahoma school children. His invention is an orange bulletproof blanket that terrified kids will have to carry with them if they’re targets of a tornado or school shooting.

After last year’s tornadoes, he decided children without access to tornado shelters needed some kind of protection.

From NewsOK.com:

A orange bulletproof blanket could come between a child and tornadic debris or a 9 mm bullet, forging a better “opportunity to survive.”

The Bodyguard Blanket, made by ProTecht, is a bulletproof pad designed to protect students during disasters at school. The 5/16-inch thick rectangle features backpack-like straps that allow users to don it, and then duck and cover.

“We’re trying to stop that blunt-force trauma when that rubble is falling down on a child, for instance,” said Steve Walker, who developed the idea.

Tragedies are awful – especially when they hurt kids – but I don’t think “rubble” falling down killed anyone, unless this blanket can somehow magically withstand entire buildings falling on it without crushing what’s underneath.

Here’s a better idea:

Invention Idea #1 – A blanket that can withstand buildings falling on it. It will be made of concrete and bricks and be underground.

Here’s more on the super blanket from NewsOK.com:

The new material also protects against sharp objects, like nails and shards of metal.

“Instead of bending over and hoping for the best, they’re afforded an extra layer of protection,” Schone said.

Schone and Walker suggest, in terms of tornado safety, the blankets aren’t a replacement, but a more economical option. At $1,000 per blanket, they believe buying one one per student would be less expensive than building tornado shelters.

“By no means would we ever say that this is more protective,” Walker said “But when you have budget constraints, this might be a viable alternative.”

Wait… these blankets cost $1,000 a piece!?!?!?! That’s more than a teacher’s weekly salary. Let’s say a small school has 350 students. That’s $350,000 for blankets, some of which will be lost or stolen. You’re telling me that a school with 350 kids can’t build a storm shelter for that price? I think you should stick to fixing feet, Mr. Walker.

Continued from NewsOK.com:

“It’d take a long time to build tornado shelters for every kid in Oklahoma,” Schone said.

Schone argued that although the blankets aren’t better for tornadoes overall, they are better for school shootings. A safe room doesn’t help much during shootings because it requires travel, he said.

“They can lock the door and put these on in a matter of seconds.”

Good thing you brought up school shootings, those happen all the time in Oklahoma, so it’s good that you want to profit from it.

I think it’s obvious that instead of telling our kids to hide under a blanket to wait for the killer to easily lift up the blanket and shoot them that we need to arm every student. And if we get military pricing, we can get every student in our state a 9mm Glock for about $350, which is cheaper than the blankets. Plus, guns might stop a tornado. Has science ever tried getting hundreds of kids to shoot at a tornado?

These guys are using fear to try to sell an overpriced piece of crap.

I’m about to get morbid, so buckle up: Oklahoma has had 11 recorded school shootings. The first one occurred in 1920. In those 11 shootings, guess how many people died… 8. In over a 90 year span of Oklahoma public education, 8 people have been killed by guns at schools. Not to dismiss the fact that people lost their lives in shootings, but I’m pretty sure more students have been killed by food poisoning from the lunches than school shootings, which leads to…

Invention Idea #2 – A food poison detection blanket. You wear it around your back and if you have food poisoning, you can just vomit on the blanket. If you see a blanket with vomit on it, the wearer probably has food poisoning. Or not. Either way they threw up on a blanket, so keep your distance. They will retail for about $799.99 each.

Back to the article:

Miami, OK-based Tote Along manufactures the blankets. The members of ProTecht chose to stay local to be able to watch the blankets being made.

“You can’t do that if you’re making them in China,” Schone said.

The blanket has been in production for about 10 months, and the team started marketing it about a week ago, Schone said.

The team plans to work with buyers on prices. Instead of having an online store, they suggest shoppers visit their website at bodyguardblanket.com.

Although they don’t offer a guarantee, the pair said believe the product would be a valuable addition to the classroom.

“This thing gives kids an option, an alternative that will give them an opportunity to survive,” Schone said.

The blankets aren’t made in China? I guess that explains why they are so f*cking expensive. And you’re not going to guarantee them? That’s smart, considering they don’t do anything. I can’t remember the last time I got upset because a quilt my grandma sewed didn’t have a guarantee. But then again, she never told me it would protect me from tornadoes or bullets either.

OKCcomedy Update: Hannibal Buress will be in OKC on June 24. Doug Benson will be here June 28th. And famous wrestler, Mick Foley, will be here July 14th. Get your tickets at OKCcomedy.com and follow me on Twitter. @SpencerLenox