Oklahoma City is using goats as lawnmowers…

1:19 PM EDT on August 20, 2014

Here's some exciting news for obnoxious teenagers, Hamas terrorists and pirates stranded on Lake Hefner.

On Monday, William Crum with The Oklahoman reported that Oklahoma City is going to use a herd of goats from Langston University to keep weeds and grass down near a section of the Hefner Canal near NW Expressway and Wilshire.

And no, I'm not making that up.

From a NewsOK.com article that Facebook will probably label as satire:

Goats may be the solution to keeping weeds and brush in check along the Hefner Canal.
Oklahoma City is partnering with Langston University’s Goat Research Extension Program to turn a small herd of goats loose along the canal between Northwest Expressway and Wilshire Boulevard.
Mowing along that stretch is difficult, and city officials think goats could help them save gas, reduce use of chemical weed killers, prevent erosion, and reduce the risk of employee injuries.
The city will check on the goats each day, water them and feed a guard dog.
The canal already is fenced, so it’s unlikely nearby residents would find goats wandering into their neighborhoods.
The six-month trial has begun and could be extended and expanded if it works out.
The goats were busy Monday afternoon, bunched together and gnawing on brush and leaves. A shelter will offer protection from the rain. A large plastic basin holds drinking water for them.
Goats already are used to control weeds and brush in Stillwater and Portland, Ore., and by the National Park Service.
OKC’s herd consists of 19 goats at the moment.

Hey, I love animals and am all for environmentally friendly stuff, but is this really the best idea in the world? Other than everything, what could possibly go wrong with leaving a herd of unsupervised goats and a guard dog alone near a busy intersection by Lake Hefner. They should at least hire a homeless man to be a shepherd. Preferably one who drinks goats milk.

No lie, I'm genuinely afraid for these animals. Did someone forget how stupid, cruel and heartless humans can be? What exactly is one guard dog going to do? I can already picture the guys from Street Outlaws sitting outside the shop trying to figure out something to do for the night and some dude saying:

"Hey, we can go fuck around with those goats."

"What? Huh?"

"Oh, well you know, throw cans at them and rev our engines and stuff."

Of course, maybe I'm just being a pessimist. I'm sure this will work out fine. I think the best outcome is that we forget about the goats, they accidentally drink some toxic ooze in the canal, and then they mutate into sentient beings and colonize Warr Acres. You have to admit that would be cool. The Goatmen would love the city's low sales tax rate.

Patrick @okcpatrick

Patrick is the founder, editor and publisher of The Lost Ogle.