More than likely, you’ve already made up your mind for the important races in today’s election like that for Governor (vote for Dorman), US Congress and the State Legislature. That being said, you probably have no clue which judges you’re going to vote to retain or not retain. Like most people, you’ll probably just vote “Yes” to retain all of them except for that person at the bottom of the ballot with the name you don’t like.
That’s not a very wise way to determine who’s going to rule against you in a court of law. Fortunately, Patrick and I wanted to help you decide which lawyer who practiced law for at least 5 years (and then decided to make less money by taking a government job) deserves to be retained or not retained.
Keep in mind there are about a million judges up for reelection, so we will only be covering the cool races. If you would like more information about races in your jurisdiction, you can find information here and here. And if you want to check out a sample ballot to see which judges you can vote for, click here.
Oklahoma Supreme Court:
Chief Justice Tom Colbert
Spencer – Vote YES: Chief Justice Tom Colbert is the first African-American to sit on Oklahoma’s highest court. He was appointed by Brad Henry, and despite his conservative leanings, we can’t allow Mary Fallin to start putting more old white men in Oklahoma’s Supreme Court. Hell, if Fallin gets the chance she might appoint Christina to the bench.
Patrick – Vote YES: Since there’s a chance that our lawsuit against Mary Fallin may go the Supreme Court, I’m going to play things safe and say vote “Yes” for Chief Justice Tom Colbert. A wise, handsome man, who recently lost weight and is admired by all, he’s the smartest man in the world and is always fair and impartial and on the side of the people and obscure local social bloggers.
Supreme Court Justice Joseph Watt:
Spencer – Vote YES: Look at that, an Oklahoma Supreme Court judge who loves to go fishin’! You gotta keep this guy in office. He was appointed by Gov. Walters and leans ever so slightly liberal. Again, we don’t want to give Mary Fallin the opportunity to appoint her new dog to the bench. Retain Joseph Watt.
Patrick – Vote YES: Dammit, what did I get myself into? I’d vote “yes” for the guy, too. When he goes fishing, it really is like he’s shooting fish in a barrel. He’s that good. He’s also great at interpreting open records laws, and realizes the intent of Oklahoma’s Open Records legislation was not to let the Executive Branch hide behind flimsy interpretations of common law.
Supreme Court Justice John Reif:
Spencer – Vote YES: Look at that puppy dog face! I like John Reif because he seems like he will always have some Werther’s Originals on his person. He was also appointed by Gov. Henry back in 2007. Seriously, don’t allow Mary Fallin to appoint a justice, unless you want her to take a steaming dump, stick a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag in it and appoint that to the bench… because she will.
Patrick – Vote YES: Yeah, another one. Vote “Yes” for this guy, and not just because he looks like a cross between Dick Chaney and the guy who invented the Jump to Conclusions Square on Office Space. Speaking of jumping to conclusions, you don’t have to worry about that with Judge Reif. He’s always fair, especially when it comes to ruling in favor of underground blogs that are taking on a power-abusing Executive branch.
Oklahoma Court of Civil Appeals:
Spencer – Vote NO: Well well well, looks like we just found out that Biker Fox has a brother. I’m not sure what it is about this guy, but I don’t trust him. I haven’t done any homework on this dude aside from finding his picture online, and that was enough for me to vote NO!
Patrick – Vote YES. What the hell, I finally get a chance to vote “No” for someone and Spencer steals it. What an asshole. Vote Yes to retain Brian, uhm, Goree? What the hell is that? It sounds like an eel you’ll find swimming in the Amazon.
Judge Jane Wiseman:
Spencer – Vote NO: Check out those glasses and that haircut! She’s got my vote. I’ll bet when she’s not on the bench, she’s out skateboarding and doing some gnarly kick-flips and shit. Fun fact: she officiated the first gay marriage in Oklahoma. Conservative crazies are trying to get you to not vote for her with this Facebook page. That’s enough for me to give her a YES vote! But on second thought, I don’t want to force Patrick to be the one to give her a “NO” vote… so I’ll switch and say, Marriage is between a man and a woman, because God and the Bible and stuff! Vote NO!
Patrick – Vote YES: I thought Jane made enough money working as a judge that she wouldn’t have to wait tables at VZDs on the weekends. Shows what I know.
Judge Deborah B. Barnes:
Spencer – Vote YES: I was originally going to say VOTE NO, but you wanna know what, after doing some research this woman has a pretty impressive resume. I’m always for more women judges, and despite her conservative leanings, I’d rather have someone who does good work than to roll the dice and try to replace her.
Patrick – Vote NO: I don’t know about you, but this lady looks too much like a Deer Creek teacher to be a judge. She probably makes people who talk in court put their name on the board with an automatic check mark.
Judge W. Keith Rapp:
Spencer – VOTE YES: What are you going to do, vote against Benjamin Button? Don’t be stupid.
Patrick’s – VOTE NO – Spencer should have saved his Werther’s Original joke for this guy. He’s so old he actually remembers when they were just called “Werthers.”
Judge Jerry Goodman:
Spencer – Vote NO: He graduated from Georgetown University, but that doesn’t matter. He belongs on the packaging of Blue Bell Ice Cream, not in our courts!
Patrick – Vote YES: I kind of dig this dude’s glasses. Plus his name is Goodman. You want someone named Goodman to be a judge just like you want a girl named B.J. to be your girlfriend.
Judge Gary Lumpkin:
Spencer – Vote NO: Sure, he served our country in Vietnam and has an outstanding resume, but his last name is “Lumpkin.” In my opinion, it sounds too close to “Blumpkin.” We can’t have that. If he changes his name, you can vote for him, but not a second before!
Patrick – Vote YES: Holy shit, don’t whisper in this guy’s court. He’ll hear everything you have to say! Speaking of hearing, I heard that whenever Judge Rapp opens his jar of Werther’s Originals that Judge Lumpkin comes running into the chambers with his tail wagging.
There it is, your list of statewide judges. Go out and vote (for Joe Dorman). If you live in the Norman area, vote for Jeff Virgin. And if you’d like to follow me on Twitter, feel free to do so. @SpencerLenox.