(Editor’s Note: We’re taking our parody of NewsOK.com to a new level.)
I noticed a few glaring omissions to Chelsea’s list of her top ten worst Christmas movies, so this is my rebuttal.
Here’s what I’m up against: When I first emailed Chelsea my movie list, she did not seem to recognize the scene at the end of Eyes Wide Shut when they have Illuminati-approved group sex in a mansion.
“Oh, I thought it was Sex and the City: The Movie,” she replied.
Let the rebutting begin…
10. EYES WIDE SHUT
Call me old fashioned, but one of the noblest marks of a holiday film should be that you can’t masturbate to it. Leave it to legendary cine-perv Stanley Kubrick to totally dispel that notion as a wanderlusting Tom Cruise wanders the streets looking to get his balls jingled by everyone from an underage Russian prostitute to masked women in a bizarre 1%ers masquerade orgy.
9. THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
What was once a great idea—mixing the dour hopelessness of a Clan of Xymox album cover with the festive spirit of a death-obsessed Teutonic Christmas—has instead become a 90-minute commercial for a line of extended-size hoodies from Hot Topic that no moderately employable person over 35 should wear, but still does.
8. JACK FROST
In this charming tale of redemption and rebirth, a honky blues musician dies in a tragic accident and through a miracle, from presumably God, is reincarnated as a walking, talking snowman to be reunited with his heartbroken son one last time.
7. JACK FROST
In this not-so-charming tale of repulsion and rebirth, a dangerous criminal dies in a welcomed accident and though a miracle, from presumably Satan himself, is reincarnated as a murderous, monstrous talking snowman that rapes Shannon Elizabeth in a bathtub
6. THE POLAR EXPRESS
What is meant to be a charming children’s tale of Santa-based mythological belief structures is instead marred by primitive CGI motion capture that renders every character with the horrifically tragic visages of barely healed third degree burn victims that love their hot chocolate, ironically enough.
5. JAWS: THE REVENGE
The tagline read “This time, it’s personal!” and they apparently meant it as a close relative of the original Jaws seeks a big slice or titular revenge on the son of Quint or Brody, I forget which one, during the festive holiday season. The finale where the Michael Caine helps defeat friend-of-Jaws with a drum of TNT-laced fruitcakes seems especially on-the-nose.
4. NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION 2: COUSIN EDDIE’S ISLAND ADVENTURE
Remember that time Cousin Eddie and his redneck family got stranded on a desert island and made fart jokes for two hours? No? Well, it happened.
3. AN AMERICAN CAROL
A holiday movie for the Derplahoman inside all of us, this “spoof” of A Christmas Carol explains how much better America would be if we had never elected an African-American as President of the United States. Starring Chris Farley’s brother as Michael Moore and directed by a “oh, so that’s what happened to him” Jerry Zucker of Airplane! fame.
2. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
Late one night, a man dressed as Santa in the middle of a deserted road kills a father and rapes a mother, all while their children are watching. Ten years later, after years of being horribly abused in a Catholic orphanage, the eldest son snaps and goes on a gore-filled killing spree. This was a film my mother decried as “evil” and banned from the house, mostly due to the scene where Santa impales a naked teen on deer antlers, with the pointy ends gruesomely popping out of her areolas.
1. SANTA WITH MUSCLES
Over 2000 years ago, our Heavenly Father blessed this cursed Earth with the ultimate testament of his undying love by sending us his only begotten son, one that would later die for our sins in agonizing pain so that we may be saved by is blood. So how do we repay him? By casting Hulk Hogan as an amnesiac health food store owner that wakes up thinking he’s Santa Claus and, using his considerable brawn, stop organized crime from tearing down an orphanage. Praise be unto him.
You can follow Louis on Twitter–just in time for his annual Xmas emotional breakdown–at @LouisFowler.