8 Oklahomans who could replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill

andrew jackson

It has taken many years, but James Lankford finally said something progressive and agreeable.

Yes, the evangelist whose idea of “small government” is to legislate morality in favor of Baptists has voiced an opinion that is liberal and politically correct. Earlier this month, he introduced a senate resolution to remove a U.S. president’s likeness from American currency. From KGOU:

Oklahoma’s junior U.S. Senator wants to remove Andrew Jackson from the $20 bill, citing the seventh president’s policies of the forced relocation of millions of Native Americans from their ancestral homeland.

The U.S. Treasury Department says the $10 is next on its list to be redesigned, and Secretary Jack Lew announced a woman who played a key role in U.S. history will be added to the $10. Lankford says he supports recognizing a historic American woman on U.S. currency, but would rather do it on the $20. He introduced a Senate resolution earlier this month.

“The forced removal of American Indians by Andrew Jackson and the subsequent inhumane settlement of Indian lands represent a major blight on the proud history of the United States,” the resolution states.

So not only does he want to see A-Jack gone, but to be replaced by a woman. Was it raining frogs the other night? Has the beast with one-thousand eyes crawled out of a fault-line on Memorial and Hefner? This must be a sign of end times.

A woman, and especially an indigenous one, is absolutely the best pick as a replacement. Money is the most important symbol of power and status in America, and our currency is dominated by crusty old white men, many of whom were slave owners. Changing the portrait on a piece of paper isn’t going to fix all the problems in the country, but is the kind of conciliatory gesture that is empowering and encouraging to disadvantaged people.

With that established, there are plenty of great people from Oklahoma who would be an improvement upon Andrew Jackson and make for some pretty fun money. If we were cool and had mad photoshop skills we’d put their faces on the bills, but regular pics will have to do.

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John Moreland

Holy fuck, did you see John Moreland on The Late Show? That dude is already a living legend around these parts, and if you made it through that performance without openly weeping, you have the emotional range of Robot Andrew Jackson from the Hall of Presidents.

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Rue McClanahan

We all want to be a Dorothy in the streets and a Blanche in the sheets.

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Clara Luper

Clara was a total badass who was a major contributor to the shattering of nasty and oppressive segregation policies in Oklahoma and America at large through sit-in protests and activism. She’s a perfect example of the fight for equality of all citizens that our country is founded upon.

Skip-Bayless

Skip Bayless

As a blowhard, liar, and weird-looking white dude, he would fit right in with the rest of our current currency representatives. Actually, if you swapped him out for Jackson’s portrait, I doubt anyone would notice the difference.

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Reba McEntire

One word: “Tremors.”

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Ralph Ellison

Not only was he a ground-breaking writer and a musician, but the dude hung out in Deep Deuce long before all the historic buildings were bulldozed for rows of ugly apartment buildings and uncomfortable cocktail bars.

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Garth Brooks

Have you ever been to a karaoke night without witnessing the spectacle of someone attempting “Friends In Low Places?” It doesn’t matter how bad of a singer the person on stage is; the entire crowd singing along drowns out any vocal imperfections. And this happens on a nightly basis. Chris Gaines’ alter ego brings people together. He even has a GLAAD award, which is a rare achievement for Okies.

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Sweet Brown

Americans are a notoriously busy people. Nothing captures our ethos better than Sweet Brown’s catch phrase. Who’s got time for ANYTHING? Jesus, I’m losing sleep just trying to get this article cranked out. Imagine walking up to a vending machine, pulling a bill out of your wallet, and watching the flourished portrait of Sweet Brown disappear into the currency detector. If her face doesn’t make you smile while you wait for your cold pop to be dispensed, nobody’s got time for you.

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5 Responses


  1. Wow, haven’t heard the name Ralph Ellison in a while. Really amazing poet. Crazy to think that he was from Oklahoma City.


  2. Sally Kern!


    1. If you’re playing the sarcasm card (please be true), congrats on finding an even worse present incarnation of A Jack. Oh wait, she’s a whoa-man so who cares what she does (as long as she makes a good sammich).


  3. Garth didn’t write Friends in Low Places.


    1. It’s possible you’re 1 of the 4 people that own or have heard Mark Chestnutt’s version.

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