Oklahoma politics are going to the dogs..

Canines have been a fascination with humans for nearly our whole existence as a species. There has been a close, symbiotic relationship between us for so long that we’ve bred the beasts to resemble whatever weird shape we desire. Whether it be a dog that is tiny, or hairy, or strong enough to fight to the death in a seedy underground ring, we love exploiting the adaptability of pooches. Over countless generations, vicious wolves have been mutated into a multitude of breeds, so many that we can choose the one that most fits our personalities.

The same can be said about our public figures. Whether they be television personalities or elected politicians, people tend to project their desires onto others. We want these bizarre, idealized versions of ourselves that aren’t afraid to piss in the backyard and eat out of the trash.

Or, at least, that’s the dog I relate to. Everybody’s different, which is why it’s handy that some software developers have made an app that can tell you what kind of pup you are. You simply upload a photo, and the program uses face recognition to compare your sad, fleshy mug to some ugly breed of dog. The lurid and sensational news desk of KFOR could not resist posting their results, which is worth checking out at least to see Heather Holeman appear to perform a rare foreground photobomb on a crew-member’s selfie.

These puppy pics got me wondering what other Okies would look like with their photos cranked into the Dog Machine. Specifically, I wanted to see what breeds our elected government officials would most resemble. I would like to apologize in advance to any dogs who may be offended by the comparisons to abhorrent politicians:


James Lankford

I can’t speak about Lankford’s athleticism, though it does appear as if his skull is attempting to sprint out of his skin faster than Jim Thorpe in a 100-yard dash. The intense stares, though, they’re like being judged and condemned by a skeleton wearing a mask made out of Silly Putty.


Josh Cockroft

For a guy who fantasizes about being Batman, the pointy-eared doberman is a pretty good pick. Not only does he have a “powerful instinct to protect” traditional values, he follows instructions very well- to the order of plagiarism!

emily virgin

Emily Virgin

Fun fact: “Wilful Nature” is also the name of Emily’s new book of poetry.

mike shelton

Mike Shelton

Highly intelligent? I thought that disqualified you from running for public office in Oklahoma.


Sally Kern

There’s nothing sassier than being an outspoken enemy to LGBT people while also rallying against teaching science in public schools.

Screen Shot 2016-02-15 at 10.15.42 AM

Cyndi Munson

If Cyndi has an excellent sense of smell, she must really hate working at the Capitol.

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Paul Wesselhoft

I was kind of hoping the Dog Generator would say something like “Sorry. This guy is a rat or vulture. We can’t find a dog for him.”


Mary Fallin

Mary is most assuredly outgoing. She’s done plenty of schmoozing recently, from hanging out with human-sized hemorrhoid Donald Trump to hosting a party for her gubernatorial predecessors. She also needs to be reminded over and over again of her talking points. After all, it would be a disaster if she had to speak or answer questions about earthquakes without receiving direct training from the responsible parties.

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3 Responses

  1. C

  2. They’re all bitches…

    ….. I’ll see myself out.

  3. My border collie, Kelly, and I are offended beyond words that Janes Lankford would be compared to Kelly! Kelly is better on her worst day than Senator Lankford is on his best day!

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