Earlier this week, KOCO Chief Damon Lane published a blog post titled “Oklahoma: The year without a winter?” Because I like making snow angels in my atheist neighbor’s yard, I took the bait and clicked…
New data rolling in shows that the likelihood of a very mild start to winter is starting to increase. I know…of course we’ll have a winter…we always do…. but this winter will likely be impacted by a developing La Nina which means the chances are there that the snow days may not be as frequent which means some of us will be scratching our heads wondering if winter ever really arrived.
Interesting. That sucks for people who like a white Christmas or to send pics of snow on patio furniture to Channel 5, but it’s great for people who don’t like losing their power for a week due to ice storms.
Damon doesn’t play politics in his post. He didn’t mention the evil words “climate change” once. Very shrewd, Damon. Good call to follow The Oklahoman’s lead on this. No reason to upset your viewers / readers / social media followers. Let’s just take this “no winter” thing one year at a time.
Overall, Damon’s reasoning is very scientific and boring. He blames a weather phenomenon called “La Nina” for the mild winter. For what it’s worth, he also blamed “La Santa Maria” for our mild summer. Since Damon can obviously not be trusted, I decided to take a look at some logical reasons why Oklahoma may not have winter…
1. It was injected into a wastewater disposal well.
Wanna know what’s better at lubricating tectonic plates than fracking fluids? ICE.
2. It made a “basketball decision” and went to Golden State.
Listen, if winter wants to take the easy way out, and play for the team that just beat it, I get it. Hope winter enjoys all those Draymond dick pics.
3. It was prayed away.
Mary Fallin and our legislature recently proclaimed a day of prayer for the natural resource we give away to oil companies, and it worked! Oklahoma oil companies got so much oil that they had to start setting wells on fire like Iraq did in the first Gulf War. The towering flames scared winter away, and now Harold Hamm can do his nude sunbathing outside on Christmas instead of using his indoor tanning bed.
4. It’s on strike until it gets a pay raise.
Winter’s starting salary in OKC is $32k a year, but in Denton, TX the starting salary for a winter is $52k. It’s no wonder Oklahoma keeps losing it’s best winter’s to Texas. Oklahoma also ranks dead last in per snowflake spending. Sure, we can ask the voters to raise our sales tax by a penny, but only 1/3 of that money actually goes to teachers…. err winters.
5. Winter is voting for Hillary.
Oklahoma is a red state, cold fronts are blue. You do the math.
6.) TLO’s Marissa controls winter.
Listen, no one is more broken up about Marissa taking a break from TLO than me, but every year she’s been with us we’ve had either snow, or ice, or snow-quakes, or snow-nadoes, or snow-thunder, or tiger-nadoes. Which means we are going to have nothing to write about until March.
7.) It was laid off by an oil company.
Sure, the prayer thing totally worked, but now these companies are streamlined and turning record profits. You think these fat-cats want to split that money with employees?!? If you do, you need to move back to Communist China! In fact, the CEO got a huge bonus for firing winter.
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