Oklahoma lawmakers have a pretty great gig. They work for three months, do an awful job, and then get the rest of the year off to campaign, raise money, call for the execution of Hillary Clinton, take family portraits with their gun arsenal, etc.
But the time off isn’t all fun and games and target practice. Sometimes they have to do homework. And by “homework,” I mean they have to organize and attend “interim studies” to see how bills are working, review state agencies, drum up fear and paranoia, make embarrassing political statements, and discover new, interesting ways to screw everything up.
Although some studies are useful, most of them are a waste of time. As you know, Oklahoma war hero and patriot John Bennett recently made headlines after he conducted a formal study about the threat of radical Islam in Oklahoma that would make Joseph McCarthy proud. It got me thinking “What other studies should our lawmakers conduct that would be a total waste of time…”
1.) Does injecting oceans of poison water deep underneath our state have any repercussions?
You would think having over 900 earthquakes in one year would point to, “yes,” But we should allow these companies to keep doing it until we are either 100% certain, or all dead and buried in a pile of rubble.
2.) Is the Bob Mills Sleep Spa doctor really a sleep doctor?
I’ll go ahead and save the state some money – No, no she’s not. She’s a chiropractor. And we all know chiropractors aren’t real doctors. Sure, it feels good to have your back popped, but my 2-year-old will jump on my back to pop it, and he still poops in his pants. Hardly doctor material.
3.) Is Oklahoma really “Red Dirt Ready?”
Do you remember these commercials, voiced by Fake Morgan Freeman? I’m still not sure what the hell they mean. I want a study done to let me know if we actually got ready for the Red Dirt. Is Fake Morgan Freeman available to narrate TLO’s Hot Girl Friday? I think we’d bring it back if we could get him involved. Is Oklahoma Red Dirt Ready for TLO to bring back HGF?
4.) Why are other states allowed to make and pass their own laws?
With Colorado legalizing the most deadly drug Earth has ever known, I want our legislature to find out once and for all if other states are allowed to govern themselves. If you want my opinion, other states should be able to write laws, but they should be sent to our
oil companies legislature for approval.
5.) What really happened between Westbrook and the Sixers fan?
According to TheBigLead.com, Westie made light of that guy’s weight (pun intended, because screw the Sixers). Apparently, Johnny Rollingpin Fingers is a Urologist AND a comedian! Some guys have it all… except class. Let’s spend tax dollars getting to the bottom of this.
6.) Which boogers are more delicious: Nose boogers or eye boogers?
Of course, I think we need former Oklahoma lawmaker Mike Turner to testify in this study.
7.) Are tribal casinos really good for the state?
We have a lot of them, but gambling can’t be good. We should either force people to spend their money on things the legislature agrees with, or build more churches to offset the sin. But at least the casinos pay gaming fees to the state, plus free refills! And hey, as long as the OU/Texas game is held in Texas every year, WinStar is a way for us to get some of that Dallas money back into Oklahoma.
8.) Who is Mike Gundy’s barber?
I get it, the mullet is “hip” in a “I don’t care what you think” sort of way. But is he paying someone to do that to his head? How much? How long is he going to keep it? We need man-hours of research to get to the bottom of this.
9.) What is Oklahoma’s official Bible?
Is it weird that one of the most devout states in our nation doesn’t have an official Bible? I think it would be good for us, moving forward, to have one Bible we can use to when citing that God gave us the right to bear arms. Plus, we need to put those yucky Catholics and Muslims in their place. Divorce is still cool, though.
10.) What happens when you poop at the top of the Devon Tower?
Ok, this question is more for me. I don’t know much about plumbing, but does the poo just free fall down a pipe to the bottom of the tower? If the state doesn’t wanna pay for this study, maybe Mary Fallin can ask Larry Nichol’s next time they hang out.
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