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The Five People You Meet While Standing in Line to Vote

10:28 AM EST on November 8, 2016

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They say it takes all kinds to make a democracy work and, sadly, that’s true. I am getting ready right now to go vote at my designated polling place, that church over around NW 36th and Western, and, Heavens to Murgatroyd, the line is already stretching farther than I am comfortably willing to wait. Do I walk back home and try again later, or do I just brave the adema-filled odyssey as the sands of time slow down and just get it over with or d I just hang out at Guestroom all afternoon and tell people for four years "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"?

Regardless of whether it’s now or then, I think we can all agree that one of the most entertaining (up to a point, of course) aspects of the day is people-watching, so, TLO readers, be prepared to call out bingo as you’re suitably front-row in the theater of life, watching carefully orchestrated performances by the five people who you always meet while standing in line to vote. Or, really, standing in line anywhere. But mostly voting.

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How Does This Work? Lady

Even though she’s been a part of this process a million times, How Does This Work? Lady has no idea how any of this works. From standing in line (“Is this the line to vote?”) to actually receiving the ballot (“Do I need my birth certificate?”) to finding out she’s in the wrong polling place all together (“You mean if you live in Norman you have to vote in Norman?”), you feel sorry for her, because therefore the grace of God goes our collective grandmothers.

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The Extremely Loud Cell-Phone User

“YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! I’M STANDING IN LINE! TO VOTE! JUST DOING MY CIVIC DUTY! HA-HA YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, BRO. I AM A GOOD PERSON! WE SHOULD GET SOME WINGS AND HIT THE LINKS THIS WEEKEND! NOPE, STILL STANDING IN LINE! UM…MAYBE A FEW SIXES, ONE SEVEN ON A GOOD DAY…OH, HOLD ON, CALL ON OTHER LINE…HI MOM! YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! I’M STANDING IN LINE! TO VOTE! JUST DOING MY CIVIC DUTY! HA-HA YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, MOM. I AM A GOOD PERSON! WE SHOULD GET SOME WINGS AND HIT THE LINKS THIS WEEKEND!”

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sighingwoman_mid

The Passive-Aggressive Sigher

Loud inhale. Painfully loud exhale. Okay, we get it. You hate standing in line. But what are you hoping to accomplish by continually sighing loudly, looking at your watch and then looking at me for your approval? What sort of attention are you hoping to receive? Oh, and now and eye-roll? Ugh... *sigh* Dammit, now you got me doing it too!

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The Guy with the Way Too Loud Headphones

This guy in front of me really loves the band Rush. How do I know? I just heard a 27-minute live version of “Passage to Bangkok” at top tinny volume. I would ask him to turn it down, but instead I just pull out my Bose noise canceling headphones and…dammit. It’s not working. His bass-solo heavy demo of “Red Barchetta” is totally bleeding through.

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The Leader of the Revolution

Every long line from the post office to the DMV has that one dude that, after standing and waiting for almost ten minutes, tries to start a revolution within the line by loudly making threats such as “When I get home, I’m calling the election board! This is nonsense!” and testing the waters with “We should all march over to the polling officials and say that this is ridiculous! Who’s with me?” to a few scattered hems and haws that will never truly be a part of any movement ever.

Is there an archetypical caricature of line-standing humanity that I missed? Let us know in the comments.

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