10 Ways To Give Oklahoma Teachers a Raise

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Well folks, Oklahoma has found a new way to screw teachers. I didn’t expect SQ779 to pass. It was a tough sell, and frankly, David Boren is an idiot for getting that ball rolling. A regressive tax is not the way to “lift all boats.” I hope this was a wake up call for our state’s teachers to get involved in the political process.

I thought teachers should go on strike after SQ 779 was rejected, but later found out it is illegal for them to do that! That seems to go against the First Amendment, but good for the union to have that bargaining chip off the table. Seriously, what would Oklahoma do if teachers did go on strike, or conveniently came down with a mysterious illness at the same time? Fire them? We have a teacher shortage. If you have a pulse and a GED, you can get an emergency certification.

Also, please stop paying dues to the teachers union, teachers. Outside of the Oklahoma 429 Bloggers Guild, it’s the most toothless, gutless, shittiest union ever. They have a huge voting bloc of educated, employed humans and can’t figure out a way to capitalize on that power. The whole thing needs to be gutted.

My wife and her fellow teachers have been emailing and calling their legislators about funding and the responses they have received are, well, exactly what you would expect from an Oklahoma legislator. Here is one from Kevin Calvey. He’s the state rep who once threatened to set himself on fire to protest the evils of the Oklahoma Supreme Court:

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“There is one way left?” Listen, Calvey, there are 49 other states who are doing a better job of funding education than Oklahoma. Sure, you’ll copy other states when it comes to making homosexuality illegal or limiting abortion or getting bad haircuts, but you can’t look to see what other states are doing right when funding education? And while I agree we have too many superintendents and districts, getting rid of some isn’t the fix-all you think it is. Also, way to throw Joy Hofmeister (from your own party no-less) under the bus. But again, the OEA sucks.

Since you and the rest of your idiot friends can’t seem to come up with ideas to raise funding, I have come up with 10 ideas to raise the funds to get teachers a pay raise…

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1. Legalize Marijuana

It’s a voluntary tax. We’d also save money by not suing Colorado. We’d save money by not putting people in jail. Plus, it would be nice for Oklahomans to be chill. It would be good for farmers. It would be good for Patrick. Seriously, legalize it.

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2. Stop giving away our natural resources

Oklahoma has the lowest production tax on oil and natural gas in the nation. We are literally giving away our natural resources and getting back a wet fart from oil companies. Oklahoma is gonna be great when we don’t have anything to drill for!

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3. Repeal the Fallin Tax Cuts

Remember when Oklahoma’s economy was doing great and everyone was rich? I don’t either, but Mary Fallin decided to take that opportunity to give our wealthy energy industry overlords a tax cut. After those tax cuts, we’ve had budget shortfalls every year. And because of Fallin’s great foresight, she will probably be America’s next Secretary of Education.

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4. Consolidate School Districts

OK Calvey, I agree with you on this one. We don’t need to pay a superintendent a six-figure salary to manage a school district with 100 kids. Take a look at the salaries of our superintendents here.

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5. Cut Legislator Pay

Our legislature works three months a year. During those three months they work for three-and-a-half days. They make more than a starting teacher in our state and they don’t have to hold a college degree, know how to write or even do math. They shouldn’t make more per year than teachers!

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6. Pay our teachers like babysitters

Let’s get taxes and our legislature out of the equation! Parents must pay their kids teacher $8 an hour. My wife has 27 students in her classroom, so now she’s making $216 an hour. Finally, I can be a stay-at-home dad! Also, screw the poor kids. We can just use the tax savings to build nicer prisons.

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7. Let teachers sell drugs directly to students

Let’s be honest, it’s not hard for students to buy drugs. They’re easy to find in any high school. Instead of letting shady gang members profit from this trade, let’s cut the middleman and let teachers in on the action.

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8. Put All Teachers on SNAP

Technically, a single mother making a teacher’s salary in Oklahoma is eligible for food stamps, but what if we expanded that for all teachers? If we can’t give them more money, let’s at least give them some free food.

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9. Tax Earthquakes

Funding from this tax would be temporary, because it would motivate the energy industry and state leaders to finally solve the earthquake crisis.

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10. Quit 

I don’t think anything is going to change. Oklahoma teachers will always be underpaid. Since that’s the case, why don’t they all just quit and find better paying jobs? That’s probably going to be the easiest way for our teachers to get a raise.

If you care about education funding, call your State Rep and State Senator. Keyword = Call. Don’t email. Email’s can be ignored. Call until you get an answer. You can find your representative here. You can find your senator here.