As the Thunder’s season progresses we are finally starting to see what this team is made of… and it’s… well, just ok. According to the Internet, our beloved Thunder have less than a 2% chance of winning the NBA championship, which oddly enough, is also Kevin Durant’s approval rating in Oklahoma.
Then again, 2% is a chance. If you had asked me two years ago what my chances were of making a movie with a Thunder Girl I would have said “less than 2%.” But guess what? I made a movie (plug alert) with a Thunder Girl that’s available to rent or own on Vimeo, so the Thunder DO have a chance of winning it all!
Anyway, I love all the Thunder players – even Kyle Singler – and wanted to do something special for them. So I came up with some “Senior Superlatives” to award them if they ever get around to making a Thunder yearbook…
Nick Collison: “Most Likely To Use Telepathy To Kill Everyone At Prom”
I love Nick. The dude is a worker and his body has paid the price. Sometimes during shootaround his head will start bleeding for no reason, making him look like Carrie. That’s why he recently signed an endorsement deal with Band-Aid.
Enes Kanter: “Most Likely To Be Hated By The Oklahoma Legislature”
I really like Enes. He can play for 15-20 minutes and put up 20 points and pull down 10 boards. I don’t think we should trade him, but expect John Bennett to introduce a law this legislative session that requires the Thunder to do exactly that. Also, Enes, if you’re reading this – keep talking shit to KD. I know some of the talking heads took you to task for it, but I loved it.
Steven Adams: “Most Likely To Star On Teen Wolf”
Look at him. He was so young and his testicles didn’t even know who Draymond Green was. I’ll bet you could get this guy to do commercials for local banks and Hyundai dealerships! But then Teen Wolf was offered to him by a friend, and now look at him. Teen Wolf. This probably explains why I saw him doing a handstand on top of a van driving through Bricktown.
Andre Roberson: “Most Likely To Be A Cat”
Seriously, Google Andre Roberson and see if you can find a picture where he looks surprised. You could tell a cat it has cancer or that you have a pocket full of catnip and the reaction would be the same. Granted, cats don’t understand the English language, but you get the point. Also, it explains why he licks himself clean after every game.
Semaj Christon: “Most Likely To Wear Beats by Dre Basketball Headphones”
I get it, Beats are nice. But the Basketball Headphone earbuds fall out WAY too easily.
Kyle Singler: “Most Likely To Do A Bieber-esque Hairflip While Talking About Skateboards”
“Dudes, I did a triple-hickey kickflip at recess today!”
Victor Oladipo: “Least Likely To Be Impressed With Your Story”
“Really, Kyle, you’re talking about skateboards, again. I can’t even with you right now.”
Domantas Sabonis: “Most Likely To Be Angry Justin Timberlake”
“I said ‘Cry Me a River’ damnit!”
Cameron Payne: “Most Likely To Be Getting Punched By An Invisible Fist”
Sometimes when you hit on the Invisible Man’s girl, the Invisible Man hits on you.
Joffrey Lauvergne: “Most Likely To See THE MONSTER IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!”
Joffrey is a good-looking dude. Trying to find a picture of him where he didn’t look like the Employee of the Month at a car dealership was difficult.
Alex Abrines: “Least Likely To Have A Full Goatee.”
Seriously, Alex. Why can’t you grow facial hair below your bottom lip? Have you tried Teen Wolf?
Russell Westbrook: “Most Likely To Show Haters Where They Can Suck It”
Russell Westbrook: “Most Likely To Grab A Pizza Roll Before It’s Cool”
Russell Westbrook: “Least Likely To Give A Shit”
What Russ is doing right now is amazing. Even if he doesn’t keep it up, his run of triple-doubles is historic. He is the heart and soul of this team, which is why he gets three superlatives.
If you have any more Thunder Superlatives, leave them in the comments. I’d love to hear them! And as always, you can follow me on Twitter, @SpencerLenox!