As we noted, The Oklahoman recently published an online story about ways to please your husband. It was the kind of story I expected to see on the cover of some magazine while I’m waiting to check-out at Crest, not on the website of “the state’s most trusted news.”
None of the “tips” were even remotely helpful in pleasing your husband. Wink? Hey, some people can’t wink and when they try they just look stupid! That’s not cool! Clean and cook dinner!? Okay, that was a good one.
Anyway, I thought a more helpful form of advice would the different ways you can drive your significant other crazy. That way your spouse can be the one who instigates the divorce, making you look like the sympathetic victim when it comes time to divide and chose friends.
7. Hide the remotes…
More relationships are ended over fights about where the remotes are than money and cheating.
6. Secretly teach your child a different language.
It’s great for the child to be bi-lingual, but will also make your spouse question wtf is going on. Of course, you can’t let on that you are teaching them, you gotta play dumb.
5. Change the prescription on their glasses or contacts.
Pretty straightforward. They’ll think their eyes are getting worse and have to deal with headaches and dizziness.
4. Become a stand-up comedian.
Not only will you be poor, which causes stress, your s/o will question everything they do, wondering if you are going to use it as a bit.
3. Every time you fart say, “Eat that and I’ll crack ya another.”
It’ll be funny for about a week, then will slowly drive a wedge between you and everyone you love.
2. Change all the pictures in your house.
Now, I’ll give you some freedom on this one, but maybe photoshop a clown in the background of all your pictures and then slowly replace the originals with the updated clown pictures. See how long it takes for your s/o to think they’ve been stalked by a clown their entire life.
1.) Get them a subscription to The Oklahoman.
This is the nuclear option. They’ll read the editorials and wonder if they are really so out-of-touch with reality.
Leave other ways to drive your s/o crazy in the comments. And as always, you can follow me on Twitter, @SpencerLenox.