NewsOK recently published a piece about how to behave at your company’s Christmas party. Basically, it says to stay sober and kiss some ass. I think it was ghost-written by Becky from HR. I mean, what’s the point of having a Christmas party if no one is going to have fun? That’s the exact opposite of what a party is supposed to be about. And we all know that mistakes make the best stories. So I’m going to give you some tips on having the best Christmas party ever!
Let’s get into it!
1. Get Hammered
If the company is picking up the tab, get totally hammered. The average person only gets free booze three to five times a year, and most of those are at weddings, so take advantage. Hell, I even order some drinks and just pour them out.
2. Hook up with a co-worker.
Becky from HR has been flirty the whole year, but you’ve been too gutless to ask her out. Now the stars are aligned and you’ve both had a few drinks. Maybe Becky is “the one.” You’ll never know unless you ask. Same goes for the ladies, maybe Craig from the mailroom has spent the year dropping subtle hints, why not give him a chance? If it doesn’t work out you can make a New Year’s Resolution to never date guys named Craig.
3. Wear whatever the hell you want unless stated otherwise.
This is the example NewsOK used for what NOT to wear: …in a former job at Mississippi State University, Hochwater and other faculty were invited to the dean’s home for a Christmas party with a casual dress code. “Casual in Mississippi means you can undo your tie, but one guy from the economics department showed up in Hawaiian shorts,” Hochwarter said.
You’re demeaning a guy for wearing shorts, when the invite clearly said “casual.” That’s on the person who wrote the invitation. Not Johnny Board Shorts. And for the record, I thought “casual” in Mississippi meant you didn’t have to call your cousin a cab the next morning.
4. Kiss some IT ass.
Ignore your boss and butter-up the IT workers. You see, the IT people know everyone’s dirty secrets, especially the CEO’s! Get in good with them and you can’t be fired. This is how the game is played. The person with the most dirt wins. Hell, without the help of IT people Donald Trump wouldn’t be our next President.
5. Make an advance plan.
The NewsOK.com article says: “Strive to greet three important people before leaving and have an exit strategy if a talkative co-worker is diverting you. Parties offer rare opportunities to share laughs with senior managers, and mention what you’re excited about in the coming months.”
Why don’t they just say what they mean? If you’re not schmoozing with people who can help your career, you’re wasting time. Some nobody trying to do the same thing to you, have a plan to get out of that conversation!
This is also a little different from my advance plan. My plan includes casing the joint. In case you get fired in the coming months, figure out how to leave a steaming dump on the desk of your boss. Maybe use this time as a way to figure out who started the rumor that you wore Hawaiian shorts to your last Christmas party.
6. Try drugs!
What kind of company has drug tests around the holidays? Try some “dope” and go to the party! What is “dope?” According to police officers, it’s anything they can’t identify, but think is illegal. Also, use Uber. There is nothing like making an unsuspecting driver into a drug smuggler.
7. Be yourself and have fun.
Alright, I offered some terrible advice. But you were hired by your company for what you brought to the table, you’ve spent a lot of time with your co-workers and know which ones you like and which ones you hate. If you don’t like the party, make an appearance and then you and the co-workers you like can go to a bar. Also, if your company brings in a comedian for entertainment purposes, be nice to them. Corporate gigs are usually the worst.
If you have any stories about Christmas party blunders, leave them in the comments. I love hearing those stories. Also, feel free to follow me on Twitter!
Also, if you’re a fan of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, OKCcomedy has one of his writers coming to town! He’s very funny and very nice. The show is Thursday Dec. 15th and you can get tickets here!