No other holiday truly allows those among us lucky enough to be in love to publicly express those valid, romantic processions and sexual progressions like February 14, better known as St. Valentine’s Day. Understanding that a relationship, in all its forms, is something to be nurtured and natured, respected and revered, a garden of veritable dreams and desires that must be gently tended to on a regular basis, leave it to our friends at Patricia’s to offer up the tools necessary for lovers to actually have fun whilst cultivating said orchard of ardor.
Offering a wide range of sexy gifts for not only this holiday but everyday, all at reasonable prices, I recently stopped by their store at 615 E. Memorial with a pair of sex-positive, body-positive pals of mine to find some of the more outrageous gifts the store has to offer, preferably something under $50 because hey, no one will ever come between me and my sweet lady poverty.
Here are some of the sexy fun things we found…
The all-time go-to gift for this day hath Cupid wrought is lingerie and, boy, Patricia’s has you covered….or is that uncovered? Featuring a vast array of pretty panties, many of the crotchless variety in every size possible, the only thing that you won’t be opening wide tonight is your wallet, at these sultry gems will only run you $4.99 each.
Full Figure Lingerie
As a fan of the curvier female form, it’s oftentimes hard to find sexually explicit full-figured lingerie without having to make due with some expensive beige Spanx from the mall. Don’t fret—for $47.99 this devilish red bit of busty naughtiness will put those old tired Caciques to shame and ignite that prospective lover’s flame. And, by that, I mean sexual arousal.
And what better way to add to the “fun and fantasy” of the evening than with some impossibly high-heeled exotic footwear that, obviously, has no functional place in a decent society. Be it the see-through 10-inchers on clearance ($48.00) or these teasingly lickable candy-landers, also on clearance ($35.00), Patricia’s makes it easy for even the most experienced of foot-fetishists to indulge within their budgetary means.
Speaking of fetishes, there’s no better time of the year, especially after a recent screening of the latest 50 Shades flick, natch, to admit to that special person that you want to introduce a little mutually approved erotic pain and degradation into this affair of the heart. From body ticklers and basic riding crops ($9.99) to the Kanine Kollection’s bone-in-mouth domination gag ($31.99), that, if found by your parents or, even worse, pets, will probably make for a wholly interesting yet desperately unwanted dinner convo. Pass the Alpo, mistress!
Secret Handshake Hand
Now, as you’re reading this, I’m sure you are asking “All this is great Louis, but what about the high-quality rubber dongs?” As important as those are to Valentine’s Day, this is still a family blog, so while I can’t exactly show pictures of meaty molded members here, how about the next best thing? It’s the Rebel Intruder ($49.99), which is just a simple sexy rubber hand. Ain’t nothing nasty ‘bout that…right? Right?
Sensual Hemp Oils
No intimate encounter is ever complete without some sort of body wax or lubricant, and I have it on good authority from the clerk at said Patricia’s that one of the most sensuous selections, in this regard, is the Hemp Seed Natural Body Care 3-in-1 Massage Candle ($12.99). Whether it’s 69 or 420, this all-natural candle provides a flickering light and pheromonal scent until you are ready to smack it up, flip it and rub it down as it also doubles as a warm massage oil that leaves skin nourished and moisturized.
For a lot of men, sexual intercourse is a one and done scenario, with hopefully a snack to look forward to when you’re done. However, on a night like Valentine’s, there can be a lot of pressure on men to perform above and beyond realistic standards, creating the need for increased stamina and quicker refractory times, your burning desire for a sandwich be damned. Thankfully, Patricia’s offers a wide variety of affordable male supplements that claim to increase virility, FDA testing be damned! Why chance it on this, the night of nights?
When it comes to making love, two is fun, but what about …three? Especially if that third wheel is a demonic hellbeast sent from the darkest netherworld, unleashed from his Satanic prison through a gate that was accidentally opened during an innocent game of The Spirits Want You to Have…Sex! ($19.99), the only board game wherein deceased entities, possibly of malicious intent, help you and your lover decide on a non-missionary lovemaking position, wherein presumably they watch from beyond the grave.
As for me, even though I will spending this holiday by myself, once again, that doesn’t mean that I can’t indulge in my own base desires; for example, I have always wondered what edible panties tasted like, as well as flavored lubricants. Offering a prime selection of unmentionables you can eat, I settled on these (I think) German “Strawberry with Chocolate” undies ($6.99), as well as a small sample of Body Heat blue raspberry lube ($1.00).
While I have no idea exactly how anyone could actually wear a pair of these fruit roll-downs, I will say they make some of the most erotically charged dessert nachos you’ve ever had, the blue raspberry lube making for a most welcomed topping to the strawberry undergarments, the slight hint of cocoa a palate pleaser.
No matter who you are and no matter in what way you choose to express your inherent sexuality on Valentine’s Day, to quote the immortal Too $hort, “You gotta get in where you fit in, fool.” Leave it to Patricia’s to not only help you get in there, but stay in there. Cómpralo ya!
Disclosure: Patricia’s is a proud TLO advertiser.
Enticed, ladies? Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.