You know, outside of your protective Plaza District walls made of tight pants and grilled cheese, there’s a big, beautiful rural land filled with small-towns populated with unwashed masses that outnumber all of us. And they are all better than us. And they will all outlive us.
And, most of all, they will all out-love us.
Even though Valentine’s Day might be over, one couple out of Calera, Oklahoma, got a start on the festivities a little early and wound up in the hud for their troubles. From OKCFox.com:
Two people were arrested after police say they were caught performing a sex act at an Oklahoma Sonic.
KXII reports that Andrea Kennedy, 28, and John Chitty, 35, were arrested at approximately 10 p.m. Feb. 4 at a Calera Sonic. Employees of the restaurant called police after observing Kennedy perform oral sex on Chitty while they were parked at one of the restaurant’s stalls.
The two had reportedly just left a Florida Georgia Line concert at the Choctaw Grand Theater and police say they appeared to be drunk. Both were arrested and now face indecent exposure complaints.
If there is a textbook example of what pure, unadulterated Oklahoma-based Bible-Belt romance should be, it’s right here in this story: those Coors-infused hormones working overtime after seeing the beautifully-coiffed frat-country duo Florida Georgia Line perform such classics as “Drinkin’ Beer in My Truck (On a Saturday Night)” and “That’s My Kinda Girl (Wearin’ Cut-off Shorts and Drinkin’ Beers),” the pheromonic scent of undilated lust so strong that you can’t even make it to the Jiffy Trip restroom next-door, chunking those chili cheese tots and medium brownie blasts to the ground, desiccating the backseat of that ’87 Pontiac Fiero as your own erotic playground, nothing but John Deere catalogs and Hunt Brothers pizza boxes as cover, completing the act in three minutes with enough time to split the complimentary peppermint.
John and Andrea’s love is, hands down, the Oklahomiest love story every written, something we should all be so lucky to experience. FGL should write a song based around it, if they haven’t already. In the meantime, let’s put together a GoFundMe to help pay for their legal expenses.
You don’t get passion like that from a Horsethief album and cup of coffee at District House. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.