It’s hard to believe, but it’s been over a month since we’ve had a really good scandal at the Oklahoma Capitol. With only a few days left before the 2017 legislative session transitions into the 2017 special legislative session, I thought it would be fun to speculate about what other scandals may rock the capitol over the next few days.
Please note, these are just wild guesses. They haven’t happened… yet.
1. Josh Brecheen arrested for masturbating to Darwin’s “Origin of Species” in Mardel parking lot.
And you thought Ralph Shortey getting caught in a south side motel room with weed and a 17-year-old male prostitute was hypocritical! Imagine the reaction if Josh Brecheen – an anti-science Christian theocrat – was busted masturbating to Darwin’s “Origin of Species” in a Mardel Parking Lot. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me. He seems like the type of guy who would be turned on by sketches of finches.
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2. House Rules Committee announces State Rep Marcus McEntire not allowed within 1,000 feet of a school, park or Lens Crafters.
Based strictly on appearances, that seems fair.
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3. Drunk Tess Teague uses fire extinguisher to “Make it Snow” at 2017 Sine Die party.
In all fairness, she just thought it was going to be “a little poof.” She’ll do whatever it takes to remain a state rep. She’ll even sweep the floor.
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4. Dr. Ervin Yen refuses shingles vaccine
I wonder if the anti-vaccine people will like him then?
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5. State Rep Forrest Bennett spotted at Edna’s telling coeds he’s Todd from Breaking Bad
Hopefully he doesn’t go too far and shoot a kid on a dirt bike.
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6. These guys do something sick and disgusting.
That’s State Reps John Paul Jordan and Scott Fatgetter Fetgatter. It could be as innocent as getting stuck in the same side of the booth at Cracker Barrel, or something as raunchy as getting stuck on the slide together at Stars and Stripes Park. Either way, my gut instinct tells me these guys are going to get caught doing something sick and disgusting.
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7. Emily Virgin and Cyndi Munson admit to sharing same Netflix and Hulu account.
It’s primarily so they can binge watch Parks and Rec.
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8. John Bennett caught sexting dick pic to legislative aide under alias “Carlos Bigot.”
The pic is then followed with a questionnaire about Islam.
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9. Phil Cross investigation reveals female Oklahoma lawmakers earn 25% less in lobbyist bribes than male counterparts.
Sadly, Elise Hall blocks any attempts to right the wrong.
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10. Josh Cockroft plagiarizes Garfield in online constituent newsletter
You know what they say – once a plagiarist always a plagiarist. At least this will explain why he spends so much time writing about how much he hates Mondays and loves lasagna.
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Anyway, those are just some educated guess about what may happen. Share yours after the jump.
I have just received a tweet from The Donald that says the following: Dear Cal. Nothing much happening here so I’ve decided to ‘shake things up’ in DC and Oklahoma. Effective midnight May 26th your Governor and my dear friend Mary will replace Kelly Ann Conway as my vacuous, blonde bimbo who will say anything I tell her to. This will free up Kelly Ann to replace Sean Spicer who is a vacuous blonde bully and, because he is a Navy reservist and has intimate knowledge of our war fighting capabilities, will become my personal liaison to, and spokesman for, America’s new best friend Prime Minister V. Putin who is also well known as a vacuous blonde bully.
Just like my casino investments this is a win-win-win situation. Mary isn’t good with numbers but just like my wives she doesn’t need to be. Just look good. Really, really good. Sean doesn’t look good except on Saturday Night Live but no Russian spokesman has ever looked good since Nicholas II killed Rasputin for being more popular than Nicky’s wife……….and no one in Russia cares since they are all starving to death, realize there has never been a Kremlin spokesman that told the truth and will have fun drinking vodka and comparing and contrasting naked pictures of blonde bullies V. Putin and S. Spicer flexing their pecs and pricks.
As always The Donald is right. Oklahoma wins because Ms Mismanagement is gone, The D. wins because Ms Mary now has the useless, promised job with many perks in DC and bored Russian peasants win by getting to play the new parlor game of: Perks, Pecs and Pricks. How to endure life until one of these morons blows up the world.
Cal? You still drinkin’? Please don’t drive if you are, but if you do and you get stopped by the po-po, it’s probably best to not try and bribe them.
Nah. Not drinkin’ just thinkin’ about disasta’ created by God fearin’ neva’ thinkin’ lawmakas’ who were probably even soba’ when they were voten’.