The Alligator Alley Critters take on the State Budget Crisis

It’s no secret that Oklahoma is in the middle of a severe budget crisis that threatens to cripple our state and leave us without even crutches to walk on. With only hours left to go to find a palpable solution, Oklahoma lawmakers are scrambling to fill a $900 million budget shortfall and fund them teacher pay raises as well. While rumors swirled about a compromise earlier yesterday, come press conference time, Dems had reportedly backed out—with good reason, mind you—sending everyone back to the drawing board to come up with an agreement that works, however slightly, for everyone.

And by everyone, that includes some of the more dank denizens that reside at one of my favorite local haunts, Alligator Alley, 4636 NW 10th Street—the premiere reptile per store in Oklahoma City. I stopped by yesterday afternoon and asked a few of the creepy crawly critters their thoughts on this breaking news. Here’s what they had to say…

“First they want to tax my cigarettes and next thing they’ll want to tax my delicious whole live chickens! How about you politicians take a paycheck cut instead? Why is it we always gotta be the ones to suffer?” – Pepper Gilbart, alligator

“We were so close to fixing this nonsense, but then here comes the Dumb-o-crats, whining about this and that like the precious snowflakes they are. Oh, if I was younger I’d hide right under Inman’s toilet tank and just…no…sorry, that’s not Christian of me to say. I just get so in the flesh about this!” – Nigel Jenson, spider

“What’s this now about say what? Sorry, I don’t follow the news all that much. I’m a lizard. You know it’s amazing I can even talk, right?” – Albert Cox, lizard

“When are our elected officials gonna wake up and finally decide to legalize marijuana? Look at Colorado…my cousin Barry is roomies with a dude named Mike and he has an MMJ card and said that some weeks Mike will feed him two or three mice at a time…I’m all like “puff, puff, pass dem rats, playa!”  They’ve got money to burn and then, you know…money to buuuuuuurn, you feel me? So legalize it, Oklahoma!” – Patricia “Hissy” Fitz, snake

“This is what happens when you remove the Ten Commandments from State Capitol. God don’t fool ’round, ya’ll.” – Hank Williams Jr., snake

“As long as they don’t cut into my SSI, my disability, and my food stamps, I really don’t care what any of them phony-baloney politicos do. Just leave me and mines alone!” – Meshach Perkins, turtle

“I have counseled Governor Fallin many times, as well as advised numerous Republican leaders in the House of Representatives and the Senate and all I can say is…we’re screwed.” – William Espinosa St. Cyr, Esq., lizard

“Every year, it’s always something, but we, as Oklahomans, always manage to pull through. Be it tornadoes or taxes or farmers with sharpened hoes, we’ll find a way. It’s the Oklahoma standard.” – Mary Simonson, snake

“The politicians in Oklahoma aren’t half bad!” – Walter Griggsby, lizard (l)

“You’re right…they’re all bad!” – Standorf Vaughn, lizard (r)

Are you supposed to wash your hands after handling turtles? Asking for a friend. Find Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.