No, In-N-Out Burger is not coming to OKC either…

Some folks may disagree with me, but for fast food, In-N-Out is fantastic. The prices are good, the stores are clean, the menu is simple, and the ingredients are so fresh you can hear the patty moo. Seriously, next time you’re down in Dallas, go to In-N-Out and put a burger up to your ear like you’re trying to hear the ocean in a conch shell. No you won’t look stupid, I promise!

Knowing all this, imagine my level of disappointment when Lackmeyer busted our animal-style dreams on Twitter:

Yes, the fine citizens of Oklahoma have been duped again. Give those fake news spreading Russian hackers credit. They know an easy to fool, burger loving audience when they see it.

Although I love In-N-Out, I think we’ll get by without one. Here are five reasons why:

1: We do not need more fast food in this state.

We all remember how Fortune declared Oklahoma City the fast food capital of America. Granted that was ten years ago and the culinary scene has changed considerably since then, but there are still places in this state that have taken that mantle and run with it. According to WGN, Durant, OK has the 2nd most fast food joints per capita in the US. Leave it to something named Durant to let this state down again…

Honestly though, who needs stats and fancy articles made by people with BRAINS and who can READ and do MATH to prove that point? All you have to do is drive down 23rd street between Villa and Classen and you will have a lesson in how much damn fast food is in this town. Hell, we have Zaxby’s and Golden Chicks popping up left and right in this city, and if you’ve ever eaten at either, you know those chains have no business existing at all.

2: We have no shortage of good burgers.

We don’t just have really good burgers; we have arguably some of the best in the nation, if not the world. Everyone from your Aunt who lives out of town to Colin Farrell knows about Nic’s Grill (Here is Louis’ review). It is #2 on tripadvisor’s list of best burgers in the US. But that’s not to say that the also-rans are really that much worse. There’s the classic Johnnie’s burger, The Garage, Irma’s, McNellie’s. There’s also Tucker’s, which Alton Brown said that if he lived here, he’d eat there at least once a month. Think about how he’d react if he went to El Reno and got the real deal (Also, think about how he’d react if he went to El Reno, period.)

3: We already have multiple, hard-to-find burger chains

First off, Braum’s. Need I say more?

Yes? Okay so their burger isn’t in this sky-high ranking of burgers, but I personally blame them for why you couldn’t find a Dairy Queen in this state for several decades. I mean what’s the point when you have Braum’s?

And Whataburger, yes, Whataburger has that reputation too. Honestly, how many chains can have condiments so good, that they can get away with selling them in grocery stores?

And then there’s Sonic. Now, I’m not going to come here and say that the Sonic burger is good. You go there for the five-thousand calorie slushies and the root beer floats by the gallon. As you may know, Sonic is infamous for being hard to find in places that don’t have Big XII or SEC schools, yet that doesn’t stop them from advertising like a motherfucker outside those markets. Whereas you have to really search to find one in certain spots in the America, you can throw a rock and find a Sonic in this state. It’s like they’re headquartered here or something, man.

4: In-N-Out could be the new Krispy Kreme.

Do you remember when Krispy Kreme finally, FINALLY came to Oklahoma? Do you remember the long lines at the drive thru that were there day and night? Do you remember those people who chastised you for not liking Krispy Kreme as if they were some kind of pastry inquisition? I sure as hell do. You might think it’s a stretch, but there was a time that Krispy Kreme was bigger than Jesus in this state. Folks would often get in their unsafe ’98 Ford Explorers and rush down I-35 to buy seventeen dozen donuts like they were tattoos, lottery tickets, and six-point Bud Light. And even though they were stale and cold by the time they got back home, they couldn’t get enough of them. Eating just one was like heroin and orgasms for folks who had clearly never had heroin or an orgasm. Today, there’s only one location left in the city, and though business is fine, it’s a far cry from what it once was.

Now think about all that and compare it to how people treat In-N-Out. Quality aside, it’s going to be the same damn story when they come to town. I promise you that.

5: It’s no longer the “it” burger chain in America

Wait, what? That’s right, In-N-Out is no longer the most popular burger chain! According to Fortune, Five Guys has beat out In-N-Out for the most popular burger chain in America. And guess what, you don’t have to wait for them to come to Oklahoma. There’s already FOUR locations in the metro area alone. So hurry up and stuff your fat face at Five Guys!

Now, there are plenty of reasons why In-N-Out should be here. It’s a welcome addition to the burger scene, it’s cheap, they treat their employees well, and like some other Oklahoma-based businesses, it’s blatantly Christian. But is it essential? Not really. And let’s be honest, if one does make its way up here, it’ll be a year before most of us eat there.

Sam is a TLO Trivia Night host and three-time Jeopardy champ. Troll him on Twitter at @samnotscott