There has been a lot of talk lately about Oklahoma teachers having to choose between educating the children of our state and making enough money to live. I don’t know why teachers are complaining so much about being broke when Arby’s is offering half-price meals for them all summer.
Then again, maybe they are complaining because the starting annual salary for Oklahoma teachers is $31,600 when they often have to personally fund a lot of their classroom materials. Jeeze. No wonder Mr. Black never had any cool foil stickers to give out after our history tests. It is because of the education-funding crisis that my notebook was covered with stickers that lost their adhesive after a week.
So if you are one of those teachers who value your self-worth and are thinking of changing your career, here are ten Oklahoma jobs that pay more than what new teachers in Oklahoma earn.
1. Bounty Hunter
Are you at least 21-years-old? Are you a resident of Oklahoma? Has it been at least 15 years since your last stint in prison? Well then make a u-turn into the Super Cuts parking lot to acquire a mullet and a firearm from the guy who hangs out in his van in the alley behind the salon. In the state of Oklahoma, bounty hunters earn an average salary of $43,000. Don’t act like you are not prepared for this job. In middle school I saw my geography teacher/basketball coach who only had one good knee tackle a kid who was trying to shove our classmate into a locker. You can get paid $12,000 more per year to do the same thing, but without having to drive their school bus home.
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2. Life Church Pastor
According to Glass Door, Life Church pastors in Oklahoma receive a yearly income that ranges between about $43,000 and $53,600. Basically all you have to do is stand in front of a room full of people and plead for them to understand and follow your religious beliefs. Hell, I do that every Thanksgiving at my parents’ house anyway. How hard can it be?
The catch is that you must also be a minister licensed by the State of Oklahoma. But forget seminary school. All you need is $15 and 10 minutes to become an ordained priest through the Church of the Latter-Day Dude, which is recognized by the Oklahoma County Clerk’s office as a legitimate ordination. Come on, you have already paid $30,000 for a degree that Oklahoma doesn’t respect. You might as well spend that extra $15 to receive the legal title of minister. Since so many of our lawmakers claim to be doing “God’s work,” maybe then they will respect you a little more as a minister.
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3. Web Camera Model
An ad on Craigslist for a Web Camera Model sounds like the easiest gig yet. It also reports that average compensation is $34 per hour, which translates to about a $70,720 salary! If you scroll through the job description, the only qualifications you need are…
Hold up.
Oh God. This is definitely porn.
Sorry, mom. Please move on to the next job.
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4. Quik Trip Baker
It is 2:30 in the morning after the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and you are $27 worth of BOK Center nachos in the hole. Your merch bag is sticky after it engulfed an entire 12-ounce plastic cup of what you hope to God was cheap beer and not urine because the guy sitting next to you got a little too honky tonk during Dani California and spilled his cup. You can’t hear out of your left ear in particular. And it is time to make the drive back to the metro.
But there is hope. As you finally make your way out of Tulsa’s grid, you see the Quik Trip light. There is nothing like eating scaly, somehow salty, Quik Trip jelly doughnuts to remind you that you are a human being who is deserving of life, love, and respect. During the daytime hours, you would not put that in your mouth (that’s what she said). But for some reason in the wee hours of the morning, those pastries are what give meaning to this cold, dark world.
Glass Door states that Quick Trip bakers earn about $38,000 each year. When you leave your teaching job, you may miss giving future generations hope through education. But the least you can do is give millenials hope for no hangover by making donuts that will help soak up the alcohol.
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5. Psychic Medium
Was there a man with whom you were close throughout a significant portion of your life? Did this man pass away? Was it expected? Did his name have the letter A in it? Did he like collared shirts and working with his hands? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then my psychic powers must be drawing me to you through this article!
Or I am just using a technique called cold reading. In order to make a starting teacher’s salary of about $31,000 you would only have to work 3 hours per week as a psychic. The going rate to perform readings is $200 an hour in Oklahoma. As a teacher, I am sure you have told at least a dozen kids that they could become president one day. See, you already have the ability to bullshit. Might as well start charging by the hour for your ability.
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6. Be Reba McEntire
Can you really call yourself an Oklahoman if you haven’t made at least one drunken attempt to belt the song “Fancy” at Buffalo Wild Wing’s Tuesday karaoke night? The answer is no, you cannot. Every Oklahoman knows at least one Reba McEntire song by heart. It is a scientific law.
According to a Syracuse news site, Reba received over $300,000 to perform at the New York State Fair. So start weeknight drinking enough to practice at every karaoke joint in the metro you can still legally enter and maybe one day you too will have a cameo in a 90s remake of Little Rascals.
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7. Surrogacy
Do you want to make a little extra cash by renting out your spare bedroom on Airbnb, but cannot afford a house with more than one bedroom because you do not get fair wages as a teacher in Oklahoma? Well I know another womb for rent. Growing Generations Surrogacy is prepared to pay you up to $72,000 for you or your spouse to carry a child for another couple. It may be difficult for you to give birth to a child whom you will not raise. But just pretend he is the kid in your class whose last three teachers warned you about his behavior. Then profit.
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8. Personal Assistant
There is always that one mom among your class’s parents. You only see her when the kid did not get enough minutes on the basketball court or when she is in need of two more recruits to meet her monthly Herbalife goal. Otherwise her child is accompanied by the living agenda that is the personal assistant. This person’s main job is to make sure the kid makes it to Christian Karate after school while sending mom Instagram-worthy pictures of their sticky faces that she can post between sips of sangria.
According to this help wanted ad for a metro mom’s personal assistant, the right person for the job must do daily planning, coordinate school activities, and love kids. You are probably thinking, “why would I leave my teaching job to do the same thing?” You should do it because you can make the same annual salary working 30 hours per week while managing a tenth of the kids.
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9. Bird Removal Specialist
How your classroom management will go on a given day is often up in the air. Your students may have off days, so you are already accustomed to adjusting your lesson plans on the fly. Not to mention that grading all of those assignments can be a bird-en. Would it not be tweet to work fewer hours per week for more pay (up to $48,000) and finally know how in the hell they get birds out of ceiling rafters in grocery stores? Well, then the Safe Haven Wildlife Bird Rescue Specialist position is just right for you!
I do wonder where they bring the birds after they rescue them. Elk City, Oklahoma is known as a bird sanctuary, but the sign that informs travelers and citizens of that fact is located in front of the Kentucky Fried Chicken, so I would not trust it.
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10. Governor of Oklahoma
As governor, Mary Fallin earns $147,000 annually. If you want her job, just sell the future of education for Oklahoma’s youth to an oil company. Then maybe you can afford to buy your students’ pencils.
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Direct all questions, concerns, and whatever emoji-filled millennial stuff you feel the need to share to @squirrellygeek.
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