Like the living embodiment of a Land Run chuckwagon mowing over a tribe of Native Americans before the starting shots were even fired, all around fraudulent pop icon Ree Drummond, a.k.a. the Pioneer Woman, has seen her pseudo-Okie Empire grow just a little bit bigger with the debut release of her sold-out rustic lifestyle magazine this past week, imaginatively titled The Pioneer Woman. (If you can’t find a copy, don’t worry, just ask the first available mom you see outside a Target to borrow her Frappuccino stained copy.)
According to her polished, hand-crafted creation myth, Ree was born and raised on a country club in Bartlesville, relocated to Los Angeles for college, and then said goodbye to city life, married a wealthy cattleman from one of Oklahoma’s most powerful families, and began blogging about the sanctity of “country” living, home schooling and eating butter from her multi-million dollar compound near Pawhuska – a city where her Mercantile and Deli brings in close to $6,000 tourism dollars a day from people who just find the experience of buying one her skillets at Wal-Mart not enough.
Ree’s most loved for her warmed-over Southern Living recipes that were stolen from a Bartlesville country club member cookbook. Most of them are basic and derivative and wholly unspecial, but you wouldn’t know it from the rambling preamble that proceeds that main feature and the usually tediously cutesy anecdotes about homeschooling her kids or the Marlboro Man’s butt.
With my rant over, and after a bit of delegation, here are five of the Pioneer Woman’s worst, laziest and most questionable recipes that have made her a superstar and your mother an Ugg-wearing alcoholic who can in no way compete.
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Probably the most offensively milked recipe on her website—introductory story about how the Marlboro Man wouldn’t marry her unless she learned how make this dish aside, which says an awful lot about her pre-Pioneer days—is the recipe for Egg-in-a-Hole, which is literally a piece of bread with a hole in it and then an egg dropped of said hole and fried on a skillet.
She has a net worth of $8 million dollars, by the way.
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Why buy a pre-made bag of Chex Party Mix—the party snack no one ever reaches for so you’re left with so many useless piles of it—like an absolute imbecile when you can purchase all of the singularly much-more expensive ingredients separately and throw them together in a bowl! The Pioneer secret? Tabasco sauce-covered sticks of butter.
(She also misspelled cojones as “kahones,” and then apologized for using the word “kahones,” but, to be fair, she is an idiot.)
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I don’t care how white you are, that’s not salsa. That’s a sexually confused fruit salad being thrown out to the blogosphere to be exploited by the culturally appropriative whoremongers who don’t know any better.
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When those pioneers and settlers came to conquer this once proud Indian land in the 1800s, they came with only three things: fortitude, gumption and…an outstanding love of mini meatball sammies! Forget dysentery, the leading one cause of death on the Chisholm trail was choking on a marinara slathered mini-sub. Lose three days and 15 minutes in the kitchen as the Pioneer Woman’s cultural reach exceeds her grasp and comes up confusingly shorter than usual. Take that noise back to Brooklyn, ya ‘effin fraud!
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What happens when you take a scoop of ice cream and pour some European beer on it? A few million page-views and a multi-million dollar TV deal.
What’s most offensive to me about this post, however, is that why bother to even do the whole rustic, rural motif if you’re not gonna go full Okie with it? Every true Oklahoman knows that for the perfect holiday dessert, we like nothing more than a little six-point Bud Light drizzled on top of a still frozen Field’s Pecan Pie, a few oxys stolen from grandma to help ease the pain of a life left unrealized.
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What if…the Pioneer Woman was from Valley Brook? Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.
Ha Ha. This website has an irrational dislike of the “Pioneer” woman…..
I am beginning to think one of you got left at the alter for the Marlboro Man.
Sounds like you all need a helping of some Homemade Chicken Nuggets or some Cinammon Baked French Toast to make things all better.
This website has an irrational dislike of… well, everything.
Love it Pete! Spot on.
Well, Pete, I think if you’re not spot on, you’re close enough.
I’ve watched The Pioneer Woman and got an idea or two. That’s more than I got from reading this screed!
I’ll say goodbye now. I only got here by accident. I won’t be back! Yuck!
I agree 100%!!
Did you know the same factory that produces her plates was cited for erroneous use of lead about two years ago?
Yangdong Changli Industries Co Ltd
No 34 Yongxing 5th Rd Yangdong Industrial Zone
Guangdong Province Yangjiang Cn
I agree. That writer of the article sounds bitter and jealous. Maybe if they spent more time doing something they enjoyed, they would to busy to try and hurt someone else.
I can tell you’ve received an Oklahoma standard education.
That’s a great idea. I’m trying to decide if maybe Ree didn’t have time for an interview, this reporter is off their medication or just plain jealous when people make more money. I was born and raised an Okie and somehow, the Oxys weren’t part of the meal.
I was thinking the same thing! They are grasping at straws here…🙄
You can sure spot all the Ree fans who have never been here before. Funny how nobody has picked up on how a Choctaw/ Mexican might have a different view of how glorious it is to be a white pioneer getting rich in Indian Country.
FWIW, I like Ree AND TLO.
That left at the altar comment may not be far off. I’ve heard whispers on the net of Marlboro Man’s love child.
Accidentally caught her interview with the Channel 5 Ogle last week on the evening snooze. Terrible interview. No original questions, no original answers. Same old, same old.
Jealousy is ugly.
I totally agree with you if you dont like what she is selling then dont follow along but she is doing what all would like to do and that is make money I say you go girl make those coins and dont let the haters stop you.
Rosanne, honey, there’s this thing called punctuation. They teach it in grade schools all across this great nation (but maybe not in Oklahoma, I guess). Look into it sometime; it won’t make your opinions any more valid, but it might help you sound marginally less retarded.
Speaking of, looks like she needs to come up with some Sugar free recipes. That picture looks more like Pioneer Paula Deen
What I find so puzzling is you are correct, most of these are not recipes, but instructions on how to make simple dishes, and every once in a while put’s some sort of personal spin like “add a dash of seasoning salt”.
So can I take credit for the following since I’ve made this “recipe” since I was a child:
Ingredients:
2 slices of bread (any kind as long as it preferably doesn’t include mold)
1 Slice of thick slice bologna (if living large Oscar Meyer Beef)
1 slice of cheese (if living large, deli cheddar, if not plastic pack kraft knock off)
Place bologna and cheese on first piece of bread and then cover with other piece of bread, enjoy!
* to jazz this up I sometimes use yellow mustard, or if no mustard mayo or miracle whip.
**to superduper jazz this up I sometimes……wait for it-it’s mind blowing—-fry the bologna
*** for the gourmet version make per above and before adding top piece of bread, add a few ripple potato chips
Pat Pending, Copyright pending
Oscar Meyer I expect a call to discuss my new cookbook, cooking show, tour and new restaurant in Bricktown.
That sounds like a great start to a quality cable access cooking show.
RUN! To fill out an application of Food Network
Star! You are a given and your talents rival the group on now.
Give that man $8 million!
I don’t have any feelings one way or another on Pioneer Woman. I don’t watch her show, don’t read her site, don’t buy her cookware, don’t visit her website, but do you really think Chefs invite every dish they cook? Do you think every Accountant using basic math is stealing from the Egyptians and Greeks because they invented numerals and the mathematics system?
What Pioneer Woman is doing is simple business. She seems to have a following and she’s getting paid for it. It’s what your favorite blog is trying to do. Gain a following and get paid for it.
invent*, not invite. Stupid me.
Agree-my point is they’re not “her” recipes, and are not special because she prints them. She is obviously either and astute business person, very lucky, and/or has an ability to entice people to buy her products–COOL, I got no truck with those who buy her things/eat her food, follow her, just don’t want them getting mad at me for calling her “an astute shrewd business person” versus a “pioneer woman genius chef sharing her gifts for the love of sharing”
I don’t buy her products, eat her food, but damn I wish I could find a way to mimic her business model, because she’s good at cooking up ways to make an assload of money.
I couldn’t agree more. She’s capitalized where she saw a market and is doing well. She’s not my cup of tea, but I say, good for her.
Exactly! And I will add kudos to her to bringing her enterprise to Pawhuska and employing the large number of people she has in her business. It has given a much-needed boost to their economy and encouraged other small businesses to open.
So you may not like the woman, but you do have to give her credit for the success.
On s side note, I have been to her store one time, but never ate there. Haven’t really found anyplace I would wait in line for that long to eat at. If you ask local people how the food is, you get”oh, it’s ok” or “not too bad”. But people that come in from other states rave about it.
To really jazz up that delicacy, add some bread and butter pickles.
cap1015, I love your post.
Cap, time for $10 bologna sammiches food truck!
This sounds like THE BEST sandwich EVER! thank you for sharing, I can’t wait to try it. 🤓
I want in on this too. But I’d be happy with merely $250,000.
1. Fill small saucepan about halfway with water.
2. Bring water to boil. Throw back a shot of cheap bourbon (to deal with your miserable existence).
3. Drop in noodles.
4. When noodles soft, drop in little silver seasoning packet. Or if you know what you’re actually doing, open the packet and empty the contents in with the noodles. Throw back another shot of cheap bourbon.
5. If you are able to afford such, you can add whatever you like to it. But let’s be realistic: You’re having a boring and unsatisfying bowl of something you bought in a package for less than .50 because you can’t afford anything else.
6. Throw back another shot of cheap bourbon.
timekiller_s: I’d do it the way Ree does it and just use YOUR recipe but add my own personal flare!
After a hard day teaching my kids how to build a railroad with their GQ Model/Oil Tycoon dad, I’ve headed back to the 4-story, rustic, shabby chic log cabin we built as a family to serve up our favorite Ramen cups and Bourbon shooters!
[insert your ramen instructions, here]
Each serving of Ramen goes into individual Mason jars with lids, so they don’t spill. Place the jars of Ramen next to both bottles of bourbon and stack the shot glasses around the edges of a rustic, wooden, Pier One tray.
Carry out to the troops who still look great after completing another 15 miles of the Southern R&R that we own. The noodles are gulped down without complaint after about 4 shots (only 3 for the little ones until bedtime).
I LOVE REE DRUMMOND!
Now hold on,does the mustard go on top of the baloney or under?
Cause if it’s on top,I already got that one in my book.
Cap,
Your splendid recipe sparked memories of a similar one my brothers and I enjoyed creating and eating.
2 slices of bread (day old Sweetheart White purchased in bulk by Mom to save $$), toasted (because you are in a hurry and just pulled a rock hard loaf from the deep freeze)
1-2 slices of Ocsar Meyer beef bologna (because we loved to eat it every day)
1 leaf of iceberg lettuce (one of the middle ones that don’t need to be washed but are still holding some greenish color)
Miracle Whip (NOT mayonnaise)
Smear Miracle Whip on one side of both toast slices. Place bologna and lettuce on first slice of toast, cover with second slice of toast. Put on plate, slice diagonally. Serve with Old Dutch potato chips and a nice big glass of Tang or Quik chocolate milk. Enjoy!
Suzie
+100
Hahahaha ***just died
Best reply, you win!
No french toast for me thanks…and as for her full line of made in China crap… anyone buying the stuff should at least make sure and purchase one of her good ole cast iron skillets and ask a true friend to give them a wack on the head with it for not buying American.
Love the story but Valleybrook is one word
Everything is a fradulant pop icon looking for success. Ever hear of Paula Dean, Oprah Winfrey, yada yada, the lost ogle? All are a created brandlooking to make a living!
Patrick, how about a piece on Leslie getting booted from republican “leadership”. She was actively interested in issues and not yet caught in any sexual scandals. I guess that made her a RHINO.
Hear Hear Walter! I also am dying for more info! I was late to work yesterday because I chose to listen to a radio interview about this issue.
Bobby Cleveland said, as an insider they all knew about this months ago & there is no funny business with the timing. The official line seems to be that she was unable to focus on current issues because she is too preoccupied by the running her campaign (I think for Labor Commish). I find this odd this was let go the day after being on TV discussing current issues, which is by definition NOT being preoccupied.
Cleveland stated that DHS had recently assured the “lawmakers” that they could make ends meet with this current budget. Interviewers asked him if this was before DHS knew about their decrease in federal funding, but that excellent question went unanswered. They asked him if the majority of DHS funding comes from the feds; I didn’t hear that question answered either. They also asked if the decision to cut services was made by those that had assured lawmakers or by a separate committee; this excellent question also went unanswered.
Cleveland asked interviewers what sacrifices DHS had made, and (I believe) Aaron Brilbeck answered they had cut 1200 positions in the last 3 years & 700 jobs this year. Cleveland said, “That’s not true. That’s not factual. They are playing a number game.” Interviewers responded that if that’s the case, then there should definitely be an audit.
Cleveland assured them that what has happened is completely normal and happened to him once when he spoke out. He was told his 3 bills, including his water bill, weren’t going to be heard because he spoke out on something else.
Gary Jones was on the line too, but didn’t say much. He did mention that his office had not been asked to audit DHS.
It was a really great interview! Was on 1520 AM just before 8 AM yesterday.
VeraLynn,
Can you believe that sex scandals and weak recipes are more important than a republican (incidentally a female) driven out of leadership by the good old boys. I’ve been told that women are at least 51% of the population. Where is the outrage.
I did not always agree with Leslie, but damn if she wasn’t always concise and willing to take questions. I am shocked by her ouster, but I am even more shocked by the media blackout.
+1
Yeah I’m wondering what the story is too. I don’t support GOPers, but the often sane, reasonable Leslie Osborn got whisked away because she was too uppity for the Men, and I guess needed to be told she was trying to punch above her weight — naughty naughty.
No, really, the GOP side of the OK Legislature is a bloody joke. One way tickets for them all to a remote island where they can leave the rest of us alone.
Exactly Walter! Heaven forbid a decent female legislator serve in leadership.
You spelled Republican wrong.
Most of the time, I think you’re hilarious. But today, I hate you.
THE END.
Love cultural appropriation. Makes for great food.
Let’s start receipes from the pioneers . The rules are no blenders, food processes, kitchens or gadgets. Ingredients must be gathered not bought at the grocery or given at the curb. No rummaging from trash cans. Just healthy varmints (no domesticated dogs or cats, of course it depends on your state of hunger)
and wild plants that are seasonal. Looking for good receipes!
Many of her recipes are copied directly from local church cookbooks. I’ve seen side by side comparisons on TheMarlboroWoman.com
I promise you, she is bringing in way more than $6k a day at the mercy and deli. Get your facts straight.
Yeah well, she isn’t as bad to watch as that dimwit, hanging out of her clothes, large toothed, fake smiling Giada or the continual running of Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. Enogh to make a person ill.
And don’t forget her annoying faux Italian ( mooozarella) accent.
Great. Now I’m craving me some egg-in-a-hole.
I apologize in advance,BUT your comment instantly made me think of Ralph Shorty and his current legal issues……….again I’m sorry but couldn’t help but laugh……