How to Not Be a Sex Offender: A Guide for Oklahoma Lawmakers

In my one of my past lives, part of my job was giving presentations to Oklahoma high school kids on safe dating, respect for partners, and consent. I did all of this not only to make sure I had enough internship hours clocked to graduate on time, but also to help the next generation of Oklahomans to grow up to be decent human beings.

It seems like quite a few of our lawmakers were never taught what it means to consent to a healthy sexual relationship, let alone be a goddam decent person. This has recently led to four of our state lawmakers getting into trouble for sex and harassment-related crimes. So I have created a guide to help them to not get into so much trouble in the future. So here’s what Oklahoma lawmakers can do to not become a sex offender.

Don’t Assault Your Uber Driver

Will Rogers may be known as Oklahoma’s favorite son. But now former Senator Bryce Marlatt is known for being Oklahoma’s favorite drunken uncle. Marlatt is famous for believing that the best mixers for his bourbon are Coke and the driver’s side of the car. Now you’d think we would all be thrilled Marlatt decided to be a responsible adult for once by opting for an Uber ride instead of putting countless Oklahoma lives in danger by drunk driving. Instead, Marlatt took this as an opportunity to assault his Uber driver by grabbing and forcibly kissing her neck. Look, Marlatt. A woman going home with you after a long night of public intoxication does not count as a date if you are paying her for the ride.

Don’t Solicit Sex from Underage Teens

Former state Senator Ralph Shortey is no stranger to The Lost Ogle. I sent him to Oklahoma Hell months ago. Shortey is possibly facing life in federal prison for soliciting sex from an underage male individual within 1,000 feet of a church. This is after he spent the last 7 years in the state senate making sure LGBT Oklahomans knew how much his own personal God hated them. Look, I know that he has boasted about his intimate relationship with the Good Lord and Savior. However, I think even Jesus H. Christ’s willingness to provide forgiveness has a limit.

Don’t Seek Out Underage Pornography

I am looking at you again, Shortey.  Along with being charged for soliciting sex from a minor, former Senator Shortey has also been hit with child pornography charges. Seriously? If you have any questions about why this is a problem, please call 1-800-843-5678. You will then be connected with an FBI agent who would be more than happy to make you cellmates with Shortey.

For the Love of God, Seriously Guys, Stay Away from Underage Teens

When I was a high school page at the Oklahoma House of Representatives back in 2010, my job included running passive aggressive sticky notes between house members and making sure Representative what’s his face had exactly one and a half packets of Sweet & Low in his coffee. Apparently Representative Will Fourkiller has since expanded the pages’ job duties to include accepting inappropriate comments on their appearance. Instead using your time to make high school kids feel uncomfortable, how about you use your time to pass legislation to adequately pay their teachers?

Don’t Offer Job Security or Advancement for Sexual Favors

Requests for nudes as a part of a job duty should never be expected of anyone, unless you are applying for Night Trips or answering a deprived Edmond housewife’s craigslist ad. In 2015, a legislative assistant made complaints against now former Representative Dan Kirby. The former assistant stated Kirby started sexually harassing her for nudes shortly after she began working for him and made a hostile work environment when she declined his advances. How about instead of using your authority to force women into acting interested in you, try developing personality characteristics that don’t include manipulative behavior and thinking a comb-over hides your huge bald spot. Or make a plentyoffish.com account.

After You Get In Trouble for Sexual Harassment, Don’t Do It Again

Yep, he’s on here twice, too.  After $44,500 in state funds is used to settle a last harassment claim, most people would take this time to reconsider their past actions and refrain from being that guy in the future. But not Dan Kirby. In January a second former legislative assistant came out, saying she put up with going to strip clubs, creepy unwanted sexual comments, and demands for nudes because she was afraid to lose her job. Kirby claims that the relationship was mutual and the former assistant was a willing participant, because who wouldn’t want to go to a strip club with a guy who looks like the reason the “no touching” rules were created.

At Least Pretend to Not Be Comfortable with Institutionalized Sexism

Only 14% of Oklahoma lawmakers are women. Those women who have made it into the legislative branch of our great state experience sexual harassment from their colleagues. Yet our esteemed lawmakers still don’t have clear-cut sexual harassment policies to confront misconduct. I am beginning to think there is a problem with the institution. Then again, I am a woman so my thoughts don’t matter as much as my looks.

I still don’t update this like I should. Direct all questions, concerns, and whatever emoji-filled millennial stuff you feel the need to share to @squirrellygeek on twitter.