10 Unreal Facts About Oklahoma

Wikipedia defines procrastination as the avoidance of doing something that needs to be done. I define procrastination as a seven-hour Netflix binge of serial killer documentaries, a family size pack of Oreos, and 45 minutes of self-loathing when I realize that I actually had grown up shit to do this weekend.

This Monday, my plan was to educate my dear TLO readers by bringing you a few nifty facts about our great state. However, due to my choice to live like a slug all weekend, I actually didn’t have time to look up any real information. So here are 10 bullshit facts about Oklahoma.

1. Sacrificing Virgins Deters Tornados

If you offer virgins to the tornado gods before it reaches city limits, the tornado will retreat into the sky and you have one less son to live in your basement for the next 27 years. Unfortunately, our lawmakers recently made it legal to seduce virgins with the promise of marriage, so there will be no more virgins left to make this fact helpful.

2. Oklahomans are 7 Times More Likely to Die by Tannerite Than by Cancer

Shooting Tannerite is the Oklahoma equivalent of talking about our feelings. It also serves many other purposes. Need to get rid of the old Frigidaire that you couldn’t sell at your grandma’s estate sale? Tannerite. Need to find an outlet for your teenage angst, but the internet connection in Canute is too crappy to be an online troll? Tannerite. Want to meet the deductible on your health insurance policy before the end of the year? Tannerite.

3. In Oklahoma, it’s Not Illegal to Baptize Your Child in the Braum’s Ice Cream Scoop Vat

I mean, it really isn’t illegal as much as it is frowned upon or discouraged by the shift supervisor.  What holier water can there be than the lukewarm, syrupy liquid that gives the illusion the pimpled teenage Braum’s employee cleaned the scoop before making your sundae?

4. The Second Most Popular Religion in Oklahoma is the Church of Gary England

Gary England is a meteorologist who spent 40 years begging Oklahomans to move their lawn chairs from the front porch to the basement. The average Oklahoman has prayed more in one afternoon watching this tar-nay-do soothsayer from Seiling, America than they ever have during any service at Life Church. Gary is also the only thing that can save us from the Thunder Lizard mythical color changing weather beast.  Blessed be his name.

5. 42% of Oklahomans Still Have Their Christmas Lights Up From Last Year

But now that it is November, your wife should finally stop nagging you about it.

6. Watermelon is the Official State Vegetable of Oklahoma

As if you didn’t need more proof that our lawmakers don’t know what classifies as productivity, let alone know their ass from their elbows, watermelon was made the official state vegetable (true fact). It was awarded the title because real vegetables in Oklahoma are not considered edible until they are deep-fried.

7. In Oklahoma There are More Barbed Wire Cross Tattoos Than People

FACT. There is no such thing as having only one barbed wire tattoo. It’s a scientific law. You either have enough barbed wire inked across your body to make a decent sized boar goat pen or none at all.

8. 57% of Unplanned Pregnancies Begin in Love’s Bathrooms

They don’t call it Love’s for no reason. But this probably isn’t this reason either.

9. In Oklahoma, it is Considered Bad Manners to Turn Down the Route 44 Upgrade at Sonic

Everyone goes to Sonic with the intention of ordering a medium cherry Dr. Pepper only to be upsold to the Route 44. So what if you can feel the 112 grams of sugar interact with your genetic predisposition to develop seven types of diabetes? It is considered uncouth, if not plain rude, to turn down a Route 44 drink upgrade.

10. There are Cows in Oklahoma

Everyone knows there are cows in Oklahoma, so you have no damn reason to yell “COW” every goddang time we pass a herd driving out west on I-40.

Jump back, throw me down, Loretta.  Nobody knows what it means, but it’s provocative.  Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek