With some Oklahoma churches sporting the anti-LGBT agenda, places of worship in our state are often associated with bigotry and non-acceptance. Still, you would think the one person Oklahoma Christians should be accepting of is Jesus. I guess not even he is allowed into God’s house.
On Monday, Jesus took a break from telling you not to masturbate by breaking into a church.
OKLAHOMA CITY (KOKH) — Authorities arrested a man named Jesus after they say he broke into a building owned by a metro church.
Oklahoma City Police Department reports show that just before 4 p.m. Jan. 8 police were called to Living God Church, 511 SE 20 Street. The calling party reported a man had used a brick to break a window and gain access to a church building. The man was seen inside the building on surveillance by the calling party, who went to the church and confronted the man. The man then fled the scene.
Police were able to track down the suspect, later identified as 26-year-old Jesus Avila, and take him into custody.
Avila was later booked into the Oklahoma County Jail on a complaint of breaking and entering.
Jesus Christ. Look, I know that this guy (now known as Jail Jesus) really did vandalize a church, which basically upgrades your trip to hell to first class. But remember that Bible Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Unless we haven’t sinned ourselves, we basically have to forgive this guy. Hell–ahem, I mean heck–, we all know that Bible Jesus has done even shadier stuff in the past. So to encourage Living God Church to forgive Jail Jesus, let’s compare what he did to the stuff Bible Jesus has committed.
Destroys a Temple
Yeah, Jail Jesus may have broken a few windows in Living God Church. But according to John 2:13-22, Bible Jesus literally flipped tables and let out a bunch of birds to theoretically crap all over the place in a temple. Yeah, Bible Jesus supposedly had good reason to destroy the temple. But maybe Jail Jesus had a good reason too.
I grew up Catholic, which probably explains a lot of the existential dread TLO readers pick up in my articles. Being that we literally had wine in church, I had no idea alcohol could be considered bad until I got to college. It was there that I learned what a hangover was and met Baptists who prayed for my salvation. According to their logic, I guess Jesus and I are both bad enough to go to hell for our wine consumption.
Sides With Oklahoma Lawmakers
Every Oklahoma lawmaker claims that they are doing Jesus’ will. Even though they aren’t taking care of the sick, poor, or really anything but their own wealth, our lawmakers often say the Lord is on their side. If he really is siding with them, I think Bible Jesus’ alliances are a lot worse than Jail Jesus’ vandalism.
Poor Taste in Wardrobe
Call the fashion police, because his outfit hasn’t been in style since 36 AD.
Takes His Own Name in Vain
I had to go to confession for three Saturdays in a row the last time I used Jesus’ name in vain in front of my grandma. But Jesus said the same thing I did in front of Sarah Silverman and had absolutely zero novenas assigned to him.
Lets OU Lose the Rose Bowl
Even though there were more sooner fans praying to him during the Rose Bowl than they ever had in a church service, Jesus didn’t listen.
See? Maybe Jail Jesus isn’t so bad after all. I mean, if Living God Church can still follow Bible Jesus after he did all these things, surely they can forgive Jail Jesus.
Hayley will keep you in her #thoughtsandprayer. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek