What I Learned at The Oklahoma Women’s March by Kirk Humphreys

Before I get to Saturday’s Women’s March, I thought it would be helpful and prudent to discuss the fat lady in the room.

Last week, Ben Fielder with The Daily Oklahoman published comments I made about women, their place in society, and the problems attractive ones can cause in the workplace. Simply put, these comments are not a good indication of who I am. I respect all women, regardless of beauty, and want what’s best for them in their quest to be proud mothers and supportive wives.

For example, that story I told several times about advising a friend to fire a secretary because she was too attractive and he couldn’t control his impure thoughts? I was just joking around! I really told him to transfer her to a different department. Big difference. Regardless, it wasn’t meant to be taken seriously. It was all part of my Christian-ministry comedy series – “Ephesians 5:22: Now Go Make Me A Sandwich.” We even made T-shirts for it!

Most of the quotes were taken out of context from old recordings and patched together by liberal activists looking to destroy my name, ruin my business, kick me off school boards, and worst of all, take away my God-given right to share archaic evangelical beliefs that are sadly held by most Oklahomans on Channel 4’s Flashpoint.

Remember the part where I said I’d never give a fat women a pen? That was out of context!!! I was simply telling fellas in a church men’s group a story about the first time I saw my wife! We call it “church talk.” It’s a lot like “locker room talk,” only everyone wears pleated khakis. Either way, the context about not giving a fat, ugly woman a pen had to do with a story about how I met my wife, a woman I support, so it’s okay now.

With that all cleared up, I’d like to talk about my visit to the Oklahoma Women’s March at the Capitol this past Saturday. It brought tears to my eyes to see so many empowered mothers, daughters and homosexuals stand up for lady beliefs and share their favorite Pioneer Woman recipes. Ree’s a great role model and inspiration to all women looking to make a lucrative career out of being an obedient, hard-working, responsible homemaker. I know my wife loves her!

Once I arrived at the march, I spotted a good-looking babe in what appeared to be brand new yoga pants walking down the State Capitol steps. Naturally, I decided to do what most men do and circle back around and follow her to get a second, third and fourth look. While doing that, I stumbled across a group of secretaries in pink hats carrying around a sign in support of me:

I’d like to thank these women for their support! I agree with them 100%. “Out of context” remarks have no place in today’s male-dominated society. If these women ever need a job, please have them contact my office and I’ll see what I can do to help advance their careers.

Shortly after running into my supporters, I found these people hanging around a yield sign:

As you can see, there were lots of men at the Women’s March. Although supporting feminist movements can lead to pedophilia, I respect these men for showing the courage to stand up for women. God made men to be natural thinkers and leaders, so I’m sure the ladies appreciated the help.

Since I was at the State Capitol and a women’s march, I decided to look for my friend Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin. She’s a modern-day success story who shows us just how far an Oklahoma woman can make it if she’ll just get out-of-the-way and do what she’s told. I couldn’t find the Governor anywhere. I wasn’t the only one looking:

Eventually, the good-looking woman in yoga pants I was following disappeared into the crowd and I found myself lost in a sea of signs:

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Girls rock, especially when they’re wearing short jeans and tight shirts! The only catch is that it takes them a while to get rockin’. You see, women are like an iron and it takes a while to heat them up into a hot rocking state.

At this point, I figured the woman I was following – I think her name was Lulu Lemon – was long gone or had already been scooped up by an opportune gentleman caller, but ever determined, I stepped away from the crowd to see if I could spot her:

Deep down, I hoped she would walk to the empty bench and take a seat, giving me the opportunity to introduce myself and talk about my wealth, political career and all the jobs I created for women in Oklahoma. But much like my future political career, she was gone.

Overall, I learned a lot from my day at the Oklahoma Women’s March, and I’d like to thank Kevin, Kelly and even Kent for allowing me to share my thoughts about it in The Last Ogle. I learned that all women deserve the same opportunities that men do to inherit wealth and make a name for themselves. I learned that misogyny and sexism are wrong, unless it’s taken out of context. And I learned that someplace, somewhere, there’s a beautiful woman in yoga pants walking around the Oklahoma City Metro. It was a great day and I can’t wait to tell all my friends from Promise Keepers and church about it. We could use some out-of-context church talk.

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Disclaimer: In case it wasn’t obvious, this article was not written by Kirk Humphreys. It’s called satire.