As Cupid rosens up his arrows, ready to take aim at the lovelorn and lonely this February, many of us will be hit dead-on and find a new romance to lift us off our feet and make us believe once again in that crazy little thing called love. On the other hand, for some, Cupid isn’t always the crack-shot he’s been made out to be by the media and one of those heart-shaped points meant for you might accidentally whizz right by, leaving you all alone and crying into your pillow for one more dark and dreary year.
It doesn’t have to be that way though. The Metro is filled with plenty of dank and dirty places to find a quick illicit romance with Mr. (or Mrs.) Right Now if you’re cheap, desperate and pro-active enough to pick that same arrow right up and stab it into your own heart repeatedly. In order to give you that little pre-coital nudge, TLO editor Patrick and I, as dedicated public servants of love, have compiled a list of the best places in OKC to score, no questions asked.
Check it out:
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Graham’s On a Thursday Night
As the lights go up and the last Gary Allen song plays, you’ll see her stumbling out of the women’s restroom with toilet paper creeping down her legs and she’ll see you desperately picking a cigarette butt out of your friend’s half-drunk Michelob. It ain’t exactly the meet-cute rom-coms are made of, but a quick make-out sesh in the parking lot and two weeks later, it’s a whirlwind of domestic bliss and domestic disturbances as you ask her for her hand in marriage and she asks you to co-sign a loan on a used car. (LF)
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Bricktown Water Taxi
There’s nothing more romantic than making love on a slow-moving boat to nowhere while the sounds of people stuffing their faces with chips and queso float through the air. (P)
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The Backseat of the Video Vigilante’s Batesmobile
Like an Uber for the puber, hitch a ride with Brian Bates, Oklahoma City’s pre-eminent expert on the darker recesses of speed-dating (or dating on speed, whichever works) as he puts you and your bros before the finest hoes in the Metro faster that you can say “I just busted, buddy!” From the junkyards of Hubcap Alley to the abandoned parking lot of the Southside Sears, no one knows the ins and out of the Big Town’s courtesans of the concrete quite like the Video Vigilante. And who knows…maybe if you tip him extra, he’ll even shoot the wedding video for you. (LF)
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Mathis Brothers Sleep Center
Even though they are usually broken-in by Rit Mathis himself, it’s always a good idea to try out that Lady Americana before you buy it. Also, be sure to watch out for leftover gerbil dander. It’s a, uhm, pain in the ass to clean. (P)
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The Oklahoma County Jail
Who doesn’t love a bad boy? Anytime you’re sitting in that jail cell and you start to feel more alone than ever, remember that even Charles Manson found a long-lasting love while in prison. Yes, there’s a whole cult of lonely-hearts out there who start off becoming pen-pals with even the most dastardly of convicts, crazies and killers, many times even leading to a form of marriage and possibly even more. And while it helps to have a cool media-branded name like “The Night Stalker” to gain notoriety, short-timers can do just as well with a winning smile and a chilling, charismatic demeanor. (LF)
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Science Museum Oklahoma “Mighty Mouth” Exhibit
Four out of five OKC dentists agree that banging it out on one of the back molars can help fight the gum disease gingivitis! (P)
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District House
Tighten up that man-bun and dig out the Moleskine full of your DEEPEST thoughts and poems, because the aphrodisiac smell of fresh-brewed coffee and fresh-baked pretentiousness is in the air. Come prepared to wistfully look out the front window as you collect your important thoughts (or, even better, lyrics) for posterity as attractive parties of both sexes routinely ask you what you’re writing about as that perfectly coiffed stubble slowly comes in. Bonus points if you pull out the occasional guitar to answer them. Chances are in a few minutes you’ll be splitting a grilled cheese at the Mule and calling your buddies in Horse Thief to put you both on the guest-list for the magical night ahead. (LF)
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Governor’s Mansion Hot Tub
This may be the most popular spot in Oklahoma to have crazy-wild-sex. It’s always a nice and hot 104-degrees to help get that blood flowing. (P)
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Valley Brook (Day-Shifters Only)
Only the most committed of exotic dancers, dedicated to finding a way out of this life for them and their children, are willing to work that day-shift. They should be duly rewarded for it with roses, iTunes gift cards and promises of marriage, in addition to the rainfall of one dollar bills, of course. You might not be a Romeo or a Prince Charming, but the pure, unadulterated love of a day-shift stripper will sure make you feel like one. And that’s what we call a keeper, son! (LF)
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Sleazy Southside Motel Room
Just make sure you’re not hooking up with a 17-year-old prostitute.
Anyone out there recall when the fellow driving/delivering Lay’s potato chips in a clearly marked Lay’s truck got busted years ago in the S Robinson vicinity for trading a box of Lay’s chips for sex? In the Lay’s Truck, no less! It made the national evening news then and a friend back East called to see if I had heard about it, laughing all the while. I replied “Heard about it, hell, I’m on my way down there now with a case of French Onion dip”!
Yet another incident enhancing our national image. Now then there would be a legislator doing a ride along with the Lay’s fellow.
I remember that. Linda Cavanaugh almost lost it when they did the stand-up in front of the Frito-Lay warehouse. The question I had is what would she would’ve done for a bag of Ruffles?
You throw in the ruffles and some onion dip, you getting:
Half & Half
Around the world
Backdoor stage access
*disclosure-ALL terms provided by a friend who claims to be in the know, I’m just passing it on, swear.
So if you rock the Lay’s van at 4:20 will you get Baked Lay’s? Asking for a friend.
Is this it? http://newsok.com/article/3380255
Looks like they were in her car, but still… $30 worth of chips for this?
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pBVtGOzXqPU/SkN6OZP6PcI/AAAAAAAAAEU/b1OVEWQofVc/s320/Lahoma-Sue-Smith.jpg
Dude paid way too much…just think…that’s 2009 prices! Today those chips would be worth $35!
All funny comments! Good going, witty people : >)
For a while it was a UPS truck in a parking lot off 19th Street in Moore. Til the driver’s wife found out and a marriage closed down and a delivery route opened up. Plus my bedroom. More like a monk’s cell for two..
things got weird when I offered those bugles.