If you grow old in Oklahoma, you’ll die alone and no one will ever love you…

You’re gonna wanna down some Ensure, change that adult diaper and treasure what’s left of your life after hearing the just-released newsflash that if you think living in Oklahoma as a young up and comer is tough and full of tempting options to leave town for a far better life somewhere else, just wait until you hit retirement age, grandpa. The news is bleak AF. Just ask Sad Pawpaw.

According to a report from 24/7 Wall St. (inceptioned via KFOR), Oklahoma is in the top ten (number 9, to be exact!) as the worst state to grow old and die in. While I’m sure this isn’t news to the malnutritioned elderly folk that the KFOR news team routinely deliver box-fans to in the summertime, it certainly doesn’t bode very well for those of us who have wistfully planned to wait out our deaths here in the Sooner state. From said report

By a number of measures related to income, education, and health, Oklahoma ranks as one of the worst states to grow old in. A college degree can help seniors retain cognitive ability in old age. In Oklahoma, however, just 22.5% of residents age 65 and over have a bachelor’s degree, compared to the 26.7% of seniors who do nationwide. College attainment is also highly correlated to income, and the typical senior-led state household earns just $37,596 a year — the eighth least of any state.

If it’s any consolation, dear older readers, I myself made just a little under $10K this year and I’m doing somewhat okay-l-a-h-o-m-a. But at least I’m still moderately young and vaguely strong and mostly have my cognitive abilities; you gotta feel bad for that 80-year-old guy in your neighborhood that has to greet at the Belle Isle Wal-Mart just to make the most basic of ends meet. What a second…did I say 80? Sorry, the news gets even worse…

Income and educational attainment are both major factors in health and longevity. Some 42.1% of Oklahoma seniors have a disability, the third largest share in the country. The life expectancy in the state is just 76.1 years, the fifth shortest of any state.

While the best advice I can offer is to move to someplace like Colorado or New Hampshire (two of the best places to live and die, natch) ASAP, at least we can all take solace in the fact that Oklahoma is a die-hard Christian state with fierce pro-life sensibilities that will ultimately refuse to become part of the inevitable Logan’s Run-based society where anyone past 30 is recycled when their hand-embedded “life-clock” dings. We may not take care of you, but we sure won’t kill you. Hashtag Oklahoma Standard.

I doubt I could say the same for Texas.