The world is a big, scary sort of place full of all kinds of people. And when you think about it, it’s really hard to find the one person you’re meant to be with. Like, sure, maybe some 95% of your friends married the person they knocked up/got knocked up by at church camp, but what about the rest of us?
Let’s face it. The dating scene in Oklahoma in your thirties is straight up garbage. If you live in the OKC Metro, then you know everyone by two-degrees of separation or less. (And you pretty much can’t go out to a bar without running into someone you’ve slept with.) And when you couple that with the way everyone got married super young, then divorced around 30, most of your options are people who have an absurd amount of kids and a lot of baggage from a previous relationship. (Don’t freak out, single parents. I don’t mind you dating. I do mind you hiding the fact that you have SEVEN CHILDREN UNTIL THE FIFTH DATE THOUGH.)
With all this in mind, I thought I’d take a stab at giving you some dating advice. Think of me as your Carrie Bradshaw of The Lost Ogle. But like, if Carrie Bradshaw wore Chacos and jeans every day.
With that, here are your 10 deal breakers for dating in Oklahoma.
1. Where they get their weather reports
I think we can all agree that if you’re watching 4, 5, or 9, you’re probably in safe hands. Hell, some folks even watch Fox and have lived to tell the tale. While I must admit, I’m more of a “watch the National Weather Service on Twitter” sort of gal, there’s one thing you absolutely must watch out for when it comes to potential mates. If they get their news from a Facebook weatherman, you know there’s something wrong with them.
2. College they root for
I’ve never understood why this is such a divisive thing in Oklahoma. Even though I attended one university (and now work there), I’m always shocked at how virulent fans can get. So, the best way to tell if you can date a person is to get them really drunk during football season. If they attended either OU or OSU, then during the game they will cheer a normal amount. If they attended neither, then they will have a really strong opinion, and want to fight someone at the tailgate for thinking differently. If they give a hearty “ROLL ‘CHOS!” then you know they’re a keeper.
3. Favorite ranch dressing
Look. There are only two places to get good ranch dressing — The Mont and Mazzio’s. Anything else is heresy. If they say some place else, you know they aren’t the one for you.
4. Lake they go to on weekends
There’s no use building a relationship with a person who spends their time at Grand Lake when your heart is at Tenkiller. It doesn’t matter how big their pontoon boat is, or how well they ride that jet ski. It’s just not going to work in the long run.
5. Protestant faith of choice
Once I heard a Southern Baptist and a Church of Christ kid get into it about who was right and who was wrong. Meanwhile, my culturally Catholic ass was like “both of you are wrong because neither of you drink.” As an outsider, I’ve never been able to discern a difference between either faith, but I’ve known some folks who have thrown down over it. So, if you’re religiously inclined, use someone’s faith as a weapon against them. Not only will it help you narrow down your choices, but you’d be using religion the way it’s been used since the dawn of time — as a divider of humanity.
6. How they feel about Edmond
There are two types of people in Oklahoma: Those who want to move to Edmond to raise their family, and those who’d rather live on the slab of concrete that used to be the Stroud Outlets. While this may seem like a thing you don’t need to bring up on the first date, you absolutely should. What if things progress? What if by the end of the year, you’re engaged? What if before the wedding, you decide to buy a house together? And what if that other person shows you a house in Edmond? Are you prepared for that kind of heartbreak?
7. They prefer Chris Gaines to Garth Brooks
Say what you will about the King of Country, but there is not an Oklahoman amongst us who hasn’t sung “Friends in Low Places” at the top of their lungs while drunk as hell at a karaoke bar. Can you imagine the sort of person that, after 5 shots of Soco and lime, decides that the real karaoke crowd pleaser is “Lost in You?” DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH THAT PERSON?!
8. They agree with Regular Jim Traber
That’s the number one best way to find out that a person has a leaky garbage bag where their soul ought to be.
9. They play devil’s advocate
A lot of men in Oklahoma like to play devil’s advocate, despite the fact they they 1.) have never passed the bar exam, and 2.) aren’t representing Satan himself in a court of law. I have a lot of opinions on this, and it basically boils down to Oklahoma enabling and lifting up mediocre men to the level where they think they are 1.) relevant, and 2.) thought leaders. (This is all a post for another day, but I’ve got a whole month here while Patrick learns to dad, so if you want to know my theory on it, let me know in the comments. And if you’re a woman and afraid to show how much you want to read this post, just use a burner commenting account. All my haters do.) There’s a particular sort of person who thinks that presenting a counterpoint to an innocuous statement makes them seem smart and interesting. That particular sort of person is neither, and is just a really ambitious arguer. You don’t want to be with that person.
10. They voted for Mary Fallin, and think Trump is actually doing a good job.
Marisa has lots of opinions about dating, but way more about mediocre men. Follow her on Twitter.