Happy Monday, you pretty little TLO readers! I hope you each had a wonderful time at Sunday service yesterday morning. If there is one thing I know about those who read TLO, it’s that every single one of them is constantly preparing their souls for the hereafter by refraining from liquor, reading the New Testament daily, and going to the Sunday gospel meet-up that doesn’t take place at the gay bar. We all know where we want our souls to end up! Last summer, I brought you a list of hell bound heathens in my article the 10 people you meet in Oklahoma Hell. Today, I am providing you the guest list of honor for those Oklahomans who did the Lord’s work. Needless to say, this guest list is shorter than that of Hell. So without further adieu, here are the 8 people you meet in Oklahoma Heaven!
In 1987 Oral Roberts started a funding campaign for his Tulsa college, and I assume at least one powder blue suit, by stating that God would strike him dead unless he reached his goal of raising $8 million by the end of the month. If this cat had such a close relationship with God that he was able to have this conversation with the Almighty, Oral must be in heaven and not at all burning in Hell for lying to thousands of people for money, right?
I can’t say He really goes to Oklahoma Heaven by choice, but you most definitely will find Him there. Mostly He just spends a couple or three hours laying over there before he can finally end his trip in Las Vegas Heaven.
Of course you’re going to find Reba in Oklahoma Heaven. It is a little known fact that our Blessed Mother Reba is actually an angel sent from Heaven to roam the earth and spread the good news that there is still decent country music out there. According to the prophecy, if you sing a novena of “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” God will grant you three more years of drinking before your liver finally gives out.
Ms. Kitty was my childhood cat. When she was put down at age 11, my mom promised me that Ms. Kitty had ascended to meet the Good Lord at the Pearly Gates. Mom also promised me that one day I’d see her again when I got to Heaven, but we all know that I am really going to Oklahoma Hell.
It is a little known fact that Chuck Norris is an Oklahoma native, so of course he would be in Oklahoma Heaven. I know many of you still think he is alive. However, legend has it that Chuck Norris actually died in 1987, but death hasn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.
Every OU Football Player Ever
Now with the cheerleader pimping, armed robberies, and the whole punching a chick in the face ordeal, you really wouldn’t think that every University of Oklahoma football player would be found in Oklahoma Heaven. But so many OU fans have prayed for God to intervene in their lives every Saturday since 1895, that they are all bound to at least end up in Oklahoma Purgatory.
Everyone knows that all grandma’s go to Heaven. Absolutely zero grandmas have ever had sex outside of marriage, smoked marijuana, shacked up with a man, skipped a Sunday or seven of church, or listened to the Doors while daydreaming about the shirtless album cover of Jim Morrison. Because if they had done any of those things, why would they think it’s okay to judge all of their grandchildren for doing the exact same thing?
Will Rogers was a vaudeville performer and political humorist whose two lined New York Times Daily Telegrams had more snark and wit in two sentences than all 80 something of my TLO articles combined. By how many schools, airports (ironically), and random ass landmarks Oklahoma has named after their favorite son, I am going to say Will Rogers is basically God to Oklahomans and thus runs Oklahoma Heaven.
Hayley drinks, doesn’t read the New Testament, and goes to church at a gay bar. Follow her to hell or on twitter @squirrellygeek