Happy short work week, all you members of the bourgeois! For everyone else, happy Tuesday and hopefully you get a day off within the next month or three. Memorial Day brings about the advent of summer time, which means lake days, music festivals, and actually leaving the house for once.
Summer time thus also means socializing and meeting new people. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish between which new bar friends would be cool to hang out with and which ones you will let their friend request sit in Facebook purgatory between now and the next millennium. So to help you to determine who you would want to hang out with, I have come up with a nifty guide for getting to know people. Here are 10 personality traits based on their drinking habits.
Like how the Kinsey Scale of Sexuality lays out on a spectrum your likelihood to enjoy a dick, there is also an array of personality types that lie along the continuum of wine preference. Let’s start from light and refreshing to dark and tannin rich. If someone orders a Zinfandel or Pinot Grigio, then they likely sell essential oils or have an entire wall in their living room dedicated to crosses and biblical quotes. If they enjoy anything from a Riesling to a Pinot Noir, they probably retweet Cher or Chrissy Teagan, but for the most part they’re normal. However, if they are ordering a Malbec in Summer, they are either depressed or not over their ex. That doesn’t mean they aren’t still approachable, unlike those who are over the age of 21 yet still drink Boone’s Farm.
But Hayley, you’ve already covered wine! Girl please. Moscato is as much wine as I am a good catholic. If the person orders Moscato, great conversation starters include asking which house they pledged to, inquiring as to which guy on this season’s The Bachelorette is the least attractive, or asking for an ID to see if they are even old enough to drink big kid booze.
If someone orders a cordial, with or without a mixer, then you can bet they watch the cooking channel on a regular basis and call their mom at least twice a week.
If they order a PBR, they are one of two personality types: they could be white trash and in trouble or they could be a Paseo District hipster. Both types of people wear trucker hats, more denim than necessary, and, if they’re male, a beard that holds about 200 calories worth of crumbs. But only one of the personality types actually has a job.
A liquor and a soda pop mixer of some sort
The person who drinks the same liquor with the same mixer every round throughout the night is going to be the best conversationalist, because they likely know how to pace themselves enough to be tipsy, but coherent. The only reason they are so self-aware when it comes to drinking is because they have horrible relationships with every other liquor on the shelf. Which explains why they avoid everything but rum.
These people will try to make you listen to their podcast.
Craft beer drinkers are the type of people who judge restaurants by their “authenticity,” retweet ACLU posts, and will prove that they know more than you about any beer you hand them. A fun game to play with craft beer people is hand them a glass of an unknown beer and listen as they label the aromas and taste they pull out of their sips. A game that’s even more fun is handing them a glass of what is unbeknownst to them Bud Light and listening to them make B.S. statements about the complexity that lies within the simplicity of the beverage.
I feel like most lists would diss those who prefer mixed fruity drinks to beer or a straight shot. But often these people could drink even the burliest of whiskey shooters under the table. Think about it: yeah, a shot of tequila with no chaser can get you tipsy quickly. But when mom’s knocking back her third margarita composed of two shots of tequila, one of triple sec, and some rum soaked fruit, there’s no way your pansy-ass porter is going to keep up. These people can party and they will prove it to you.
A shot of tequila
There are two types of people who order tequila and you can generally tell their personality types by how they actually take the shot. If they shoot the shot and there is a mechanical bull nearby, it will be ridden and ridden hard. If they sip the shot, they will likely tell you about the 3 weeks they studied abroad in Mexico and for some reason will also end up crying by the end of the night.
The people who drink Cider talk about the medical benefits of marijuana and refrain from wearing normal deodorant because of the aluminum. Cider is what people who can’t handle beer drink to say they are beer drinkers. Unless they choose it because of their gluten allergy. In that case, it’s mean to make fun of them.
Hayley drinks craft beer and Riesling, but her and tequila go way back. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek