According to every headline that spews from the depths of Oklahoma’s media circuit, there is a lot to be afraid of in our state. While crime rates, car accidents, and coyote scares are all thoroughly covered by channels 4 through 25, there are so many other dangers lurking across the state. Thank goodness you have me to use clickbaity headlines and fear mongering to warn you of the unspoken dangers of the OKC metro for your safety and not at all for my page view count. So here are the 7 most dangerous things in Oklahoma!
Does anybody call them “hairdressers” anymore or is that just my Elk City coming out again? Anyway, cosmetologists, beauticians, or anyone else who can sculpt the 2014 era Miley Cyrus bowl cut should be considered the most dangerous people in Oklahoma. This title isn’t bestowed upon them for their easy access to scissors or flammable liquids. It’s for their knowledge of gossip. Because by how many clients spill their guts to these guys and gals on a daily basis, every hairdresser in the metro knows enough secrets to take down a government, or at least trash talk you for breaking up with your last girlfriend.
If vegetables weren’t dangerous, why would so many Oklahomans avoid them?
As someone who’s spent 26 years in Oklahoma, 12 of which in 4-H, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS WAS A THING. Apparently, these so-called stinging caterpillars have been wreaking havoc across the metro for years. As if I needed another reason to stay inside and drink.
FACT. Most of the time if someone in a bar wants to fight, what really ends up happening is that both parties make direct eye contact and move closer together as if they are going to fight, but one of them breaks eye contact and starts insulting the other before things get nasty. (Author’s note: it is the one who does not break eye contact first who is declared the winner. Evolutionarily speaking, it’s a dominance thing.) HOWEVER. If you find yourself squaring up with a guy or gal who looks like they just had a date with L’Oréal Paris Lightening Bleach box color, a fight will happen and you won’t win.
Tornados are legitimately dangerous. Yet we still invest money into lawn chairs to cozy up in on the front porch to watch the ‘naders roll by instead of helmets to wear in the bathtub.
Gun nuts and other great-uncles across the state are convinced of their need to constantly be armed with at least one handgun. There must be something worth being paranoid about! Why else would Oklahoma have such a high rate of gun-related deaths?
Word on the street is that Oklahomans are really close to making the Devil’s Lettuce aka Bok choy of Beelzebub aka medical marijuana, available to purchase if you have a real life medical need determined by a real life medical doctor. According to the anti-State Question 788 ads that have plagued our television sets, if 788 passes the very fabric of morality will burn like the joints that will help chemo patients find an appetite. Whether or not it passes is in the voters’ hands, which makes voters potentially the most dangerous beings in Oklahoma.
If you ever see Hayley in public, ask her about the geese story. Then follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek.